"There is beauty in it," Magnus agrees, thinking again of Alex wrecking devastation on an entire battlefield. "I just... I wish there was, like, a sub-path, you know? I don't want to turn my back on my duty, but I also -- I don't want --"

He doesn't know how to articulate what he wants; so much of it involves coming harrowingly close to turning his back on the duty he's accepted.

"I relaxed too much, and now it's not fun." It was never fun; fun was never the point. But he could find more highlights, before.