I Have GOT To Pick Better Habits [semi-closed post]

[summerdude]

The zombies are gone, the bodies are healed, the Magnus is exhausted. He's had an extremely strange few days. First, everyone else seems to start unloading their entire hearts at him -- unexpected! But pretty cool! -- and then he wakes up to zombies.

It really gets him thinking, is the thing. He's been practicing swordplay daily since arriving, sparring with people or against Jack, trying to keep a hand in and not let his mediocre skills atrophy. He's also been exercising in new-to-him invigorating ways, learning new stuff, meeting new people...

He likes it here. He really, really likes it here. He misses his friends back home more than words can possibly express, but if he went back to Valhalla right now, he'd miss the people here, too, some of them even equally as bad. And he doesn't want to subject these people all to Valhalla -- it's really not for everyone -- but he also can't figure out how to bring all his people here. Jack still can't rip through the barriers between worlds here like he can anywhere else in the Nine.

He likes it here... and it's becoming abundantly clear to him that he doesn't want to fight all the time anymore. The zombies have made it really, stunningly clear how much he doesn't miss Battle Practice or dying all the time. The rest has clued him into how much he likes learning new things, and talking to different kinds of people, and figuring out who he is when he's not constantly in crisis all the time, zombies aside.

But liking it here so much feels kind of like a betrayal? Especially after all the specific, deliberate choices he's made to stay in Valhalla with his people. And this sobers him, a little, blunting the rough edge of the adrenaline that's still coursing through his body.

His thoughts are distracting and, thusly preoccupied as he walks through the halls in the vague direction of his room, a shower, and a nap, he absently reaches out and returns Jack to pendant form...

And immediately passes out.

[Post intended for anyone who will be particularly upset by Magnus passing out xoxo]]

Comments

[lightbearinglord]

There is nothing Lan Wangji can do but pull Magnus up, easily enough with their hands still linked, and fold him into a proper embrace, Magnus' head tucked into his shoulder and both of Lan Wangji's arms around him. It's a little less tidy than those first two, outside on the grass, because Magnus' face is so damp already and because of the way they're sitting, but Lan Wangji doesn't allow that to deter him. He cannot promise not to die. Magnus has seen him in battle now, and knows that he would be very difficult to kill -- but that is no guarantee, and Lan Wangji would prefer not to make promises he can't be sure of keeping. So he only holds onto him, steady.

[summerdude]

Magnus clings. He barely has the presence of mind to moderate his strength. "Do you think it's because my dad is the god of peace?" he asks, muffled against Lan Wangji's chest. "That I don't like it?"

[lightbearinglord]

The force with which Magnus holds onto him is surprising, but not unwelcome. Lan Wangji tightens his hold in turn. "No. You are your own person." Magnus is not his father, just as Lan Wangji is not his.

[summerdude]

"I feel guilty," Magnus tells him then. "I shouldn't... I chose this."

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji has to consider this, because he suspects his answer might matter, and because Magnus is worth the time and thought. He doesn't release or loosen his arms around him. It would seem that Magnus, too, can withstand him. "You are permitted to choose something new."

[summerdude]

"I was the only one who got a choice," Magnus says. "Everyone I love is in Valhalla." He shakes his head, hiding another flush of tears against Lan Wangji's front, and corrects himself: "Everyone I love from before I came here, I mean. I -- I'm the last hope. The harbinger of the last gasp of summer before the final winter. I keep it, the world, alive for longer. Frey... Dad... he said... I can't just ignore that, Hanguang-jun."

[lightbearinglord]

Now Lan Wangji does, again, hold Magnus to him with slightly greater force. He could modulate himself, could keep his strength further at bay, but it doesn't seem necessary. What Magnus describes is an undue burden to put on a child, particularly one as sensitive and kind-hearted as Magnus. He lifts a hand back to Magnus' head, just cradling it for a moment before he resumes stroking his hair, working out its tangles.

If what Magnus says is truly foretold, Lan Wangji cannot stop it for him. He would like to. He is no longer so interested in these visitor's passes. He would like to storm his way into Valhalla regardless and demand that whatever powers govern Magnus' world release him. But he has not even managed to leave this tiny world. And he is not a god after all.

All he can offer, then, his voice still steady, is, "So be it. Then you will not be alone when it comes time to face it."

[summerdude]

Words bubble up on Magnus's tongue. It's not your battle, he wants to insist. Stay safe. But maybe he shouldn't take Lan Wangji so literally, and he should instead listen to what the man is trying to communicate underneath it all?

He melts into Lan Wangji's hold, letting some of the fight drain out of himself. "It's not all bad," he admits, muffled. "I do like some of it."

[lightbearinglord]

When Magnus' tension drains away, Lan Wangji takes the opportunity to rearrange them, pulling Magnus more firmly onto his lap so they are not sitting so awkwardly. He does not let go.

"Mn." In this, he means both approval and mild interest. Magnus is welcome to tell him of the things he likes, or not. Lan Wangji can sit in silence without objection. He will hold onto him either way.

[summerdude]

"Like," Magnus says, trying to clarify what he means for the both of them. "I'm Peace Guy in War Hotel, but that's... relative. I guess. Because sometimes violence is the solution. Not as much as the other einherjar want it to be, but... sometimes. And I did have a little fun with Gu Xiang today, when we made it a competition, and I have fun when Valhalla does tug-of-war into a chocolate lake instead of tug-of-war to the death, and I really like watching Alex do violence on everyone around her. She's so good at it," he explains.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji makes another low sound of agreement. Violence is, indeed, the solution at times. He knows that well enough. "Battle is a means to an end," he says, "but there is beauty in it at times. You already know that I cultivate the sword path." He couldn't say that he enjoys the violence itself specifically, but the beauty of sword forms, the clarity of Bichen in his hand and the way that everything in him can be honed to one wordless purpose -- he does, truthfully, love that feeling.

[summerdude]

"There is beauty in it," Magnus agrees, thinking again of Alex wrecking devastation on an entire battlefield. "I just... I wish there was, like, a sub-path, you know? I don't want to turn my back on my duty, but I also -- I don't want --"

He doesn't know how to articulate what he wants; so much of it involves coming harrowingly close to turning his back on the duty he's accepted.

"I relaxed too much, and now it's not fun." It was never fun; fun was never the point. But he could find more highlights, before.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji's hand in Magnus' hair stops, although he does not move it away. He only wants, for a time, to hold Magnus' head to his shoulder and chest, to be still with him. "There are several paths," he says slowly, "and duty taken unwillingly is not duty worth fulfilling."

He thinks again of their second meeting. Did Magnus believe him a god then? He must have. "I have seen how you can heal wounds and enforce peace. I read of your father's nature." Again, he says, "There are several paths."

[summerdude]

A mental image comes to Magnus, and he gives a single huff of laughter, relaxing against Lan Wangji. "It's like an Onion headline," he says. "'Apocalypse Averted on Account of One Guy Who Kept Casting the Same Peace Spell Over and Over Until Everyone Got Bored And Went Home. 'We kept waiting for our foretold deaths and victories to arrive, but he wouldn't fucking quit,' complains Thor.'"

[lightbearinglord]

Fondly and quietly, Lan Wangji tells him, "I can barely understand you at times."

[summerdude]

"Oh." Magnus blushes. "Sorry. The Onion is like, this satire newspaper? Wait, do you know what either of those things are? They do fake funny news stories. Some are really bizarre. Like if I stopped the apocalypse -- Ragnarok -- by just doing Peace of Frey all over the place."

[lightbearinglord]

This is enough information to glean what Lan Wangji needs to know. "Mn. Why not try?"

[summerdude]

"It's not prophesied," Magnus says, and then thinks about himself telling Galahad how much he hates prophesies. "I guess I could try?"

[lightbearinglord]

"Try, then."

There is one more matter he intends to address with Magnus, but it has been a long and bloody day, and the days immediately prior even longer. Lan Wangji's body has not tired, but the rest of him has. He lapses into silence. The slightly excessive strength with which he is embracing Magnus has not ebbed.

[summerdude]

"Okay, Hanguang-jun," Magnus says. He's so comfortable and so, so tired. He snuggles closer to Lan Wangji's chest. "I'll try. But you don't have to fight for me, okay?"

[lightbearinglord]

If Magnus is in danger and it is within Lan Wangji's abilities to protect him, of course he will fight for him. But Lan Wangji says nothing on that tonight, opting for another comfortable moment of silence before he says, "I spoke with Peak Lord Shen Qingqiu. We agree that it was Luo Binghe who wore my face in your dream."

[summerdude]

"Huh." Magnus blinks, processing this. "That's weird of him."

[lightbearinglord]

"It is," Lan Wangji agrees. "Take care around Luo Binghe." His arms tighten for a fraction of a moment as he can't help but imagine the icy depths of his own rage if any harm came to Magnus at Luo Binghe's hands. He reminds himself that, supposedly, Shen Qingqiu and Magnus are friendly, and that Magnus is safe.

[summerdude]

"I promise," Magnus says, tilting his head back so he can see the side of Lan Wangji's face.

[lightbearinglord]

With some care, Lan Wangji relaxes his hold, though he doesn't let go. It is just enough that he can look properly at Magnus, serious as he always is as he accepts that promise. It eases him a little, and despite his weariness and the grimness of the preceding days, his expression is terribly soft in its solemnity.