I Have GOT To Pick Better Habits [semi-closed post]

[summerdude]

The zombies are gone, the bodies are healed, the Magnus is exhausted. He's had an extremely strange few days. First, everyone else seems to start unloading their entire hearts at him -- unexpected! But pretty cool! -- and then he wakes up to zombies.

It really gets him thinking, is the thing. He's been practicing swordplay daily since arriving, sparring with people or against Jack, trying to keep a hand in and not let his mediocre skills atrophy. He's also been exercising in new-to-him invigorating ways, learning new stuff, meeting new people...

He likes it here. He really, really likes it here. He misses his friends back home more than words can possibly express, but if he went back to Valhalla right now, he'd miss the people here, too, some of them even equally as bad. And he doesn't want to subject these people all to Valhalla -- it's really not for everyone -- but he also can't figure out how to bring all his people here. Jack still can't rip through the barriers between worlds here like he can anywhere else in the Nine.

He likes it here... and it's becoming abundantly clear to him that he doesn't want to fight all the time anymore. The zombies have made it really, stunningly clear how much he doesn't miss Battle Practice or dying all the time. The rest has clued him into how much he likes learning new things, and talking to different kinds of people, and figuring out who he is when he's not constantly in crisis all the time, zombies aside.

But liking it here so much feels kind of like a betrayal? Especially after all the specific, deliberate choices he's made to stay in Valhalla with his people. And this sobers him, a little, blunting the rough edge of the adrenaline that's still coursing through his body.

His thoughts are distracting and, thusly preoccupied as he walks through the halls in the vague direction of his room, a shower, and a nap, he absently reaches out and returns Jack to pendant form...

And immediately passes out.

[Post intended for anyone who will be particularly upset by Magnus passing out xoxo]]

Comments

[onthewillowsthere]

Six months ago he would have said Percival was his best friend, but Percival was also his only friend, the only person in his life -- the world was drawn small, God and Percival, Percival and God, the demanding father whose every word he obeyed and the friend who he'd have followed anywhere, and no one else besides them.

Here he has choices, and in the face of those choices he makes another one. He loves Percival, but Percival isn't here, and it's not a betrayal to have another friend who (he takes a breath) matters more now.

"Thou art mine," he says softly.

[summerdude]

Magnus smiles fiercely at that, face still mostly hidden from Galahad's view. "Really?" he asks, without even meaning to. This is a happy 'really,' though, not the tiny way he said it earlier.

[onthewillowsthere]

"Yes. I'm glad thou art here."

[summerdude]

Magnus, meanwhile, is so glad he's started reading Aziraphale's pronouns book. "I don't know how to say, like, thee and thou and all that stuff the right way," he says, because he doesn't want Galahad to think he's refusing to do it back for any reason but ignorance. "It's one of the things I'm learning about."

[onthewillowsthere]

Startled, "You don't have to. It's-- you speak differently from me. I didn't expect--"

[summerdude]

"Okay," Magnus says, smiling again. He uncurls a little, scrubbing the back of his hand over his face to wipe away some of the mess from his crying jag, then catching Galahad's eyes. "Good, because I think I'd suck at it if I tried. I just wanted to make sure."

[onthewillowsthere]

"No, I know." He digs in his pocket for a handkerchief (he's started carrying one with him, like Claudius does) and offers it.

[summerdude]

"Thanks," Magnus says. That's helpful. He's still so gross from all the zombies, and it's definitely going to get all over the handkerchief, but he won't let himself worry about it now. He mops his face and twists slightly away so that he can blow his nose without getting it on Galahad, and then he lays back. "No more fighting," he repeats, trying out the words. "That's, like, a good chunk of every day freed up." He turns his head and looks at Galahad. "What do you want to do instead?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Bake more pies," immediately. "Draw. Read. Learn games with you and Shen Yuan. What do you want to do?"

[summerdude]

"I don't know," Magnus admits. "I've been so locked in to this for so long -- like, even before I knew the prophesies, when I was homeless and on the run, I was still fighting -- that I don't know who I am without it as the backbone." He considers. "I like reading. And learning new skills. And hanging out with friends. I've been trying to fill my days up here. Lan Wangji said I could find a different path."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad nods. "I was the same before. It's all right not to know. You can just be, first."

[summerdude]

"Will you teach me how to draw?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"Yes."

[summerdude]

"Thanks," Magnus says, pleased. Then he sighs. "I'm worried that finding a different path will be a lot harder than just trying to live in the moment and focusing on, you know, smaller purposes."

[onthewillowsthere]

That seems entirely likely. Galahad himself doesn't have a new path beyond the littler purposes Magnus suggested to him. But he says, "It doesn't need to be right away? Does it?"

[summerdude]

Magnus shakes his head. "I think I'm gonna find it really hard to live in the moment for a while," he admits. "I think I was doing okay before this, but it doesn't come easily to me." He closes his eyes; his voice wobbles a little when he says, "I really wish Alex was here. I'm worried I'll forget how, without him."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad wishes Alex were here too, so hard and sudden that it shakes him; he's suddenly certain that Alex, even more than Percival, would be the person who could help. He gives Magnus a squeeze.

[summerdude]

"I'd like you guys to meet, too," Magnus says. He still can't decide exactly how they'd get along, but they're both so important to him now. "At first, when we were first starting to get to know each other, I was like, wow, it would be so cool to watch Alex and Galahad fight, because I think Alex would have fun with how good Galahad is, and Galahad would have fun with Alex shapeshifting into different animals every minute. I think Alex genuinely likes fighting; she's like, the ideal einherji. But you don't, so maybe she could just show off." Alex isn't typically a big show-off, but maybe if she misses Magnus as much as he misses her, she'd indulge him.

[onthewillowsthere]

"I still would. I don't mind, I just don't want it," hoping this makes sense. "Or we could watch her. I'd like to see her shapeshift."

[summerdude]

"You don't want it to be your thing, but it's okay as recreation?" Magnus asks, checking. He wonders if he'd like fighting as recreation. Not now -- not anytime soon -- but someday.

Ugh. He probably shouldn't write fighting off yet, not until he's figured out an alternate path. If he gets spat out back at Valhalla the same way he stumbled into this place here, he'll be right back in the thick of it unless he comes up with a workable contingency plan. The thought fills him with more dread than he'd anticipated.

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad nods. "Yes."

[summerdude]

"Cool," Magnus says. He refuses to let himself think about the possibility he might not see Alex again -- that's way too much, on top of everything else. He does feel a little self-conscious, though, now that it's crossed his mind. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess today. It's not usually like that when I pass out."

[onthewillowsthere]

"It's all right."

[summerdude]

"Thank you." Magnus swallows, blinks. "For being here anyway."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad squeezes him again, holding him close.