I Lose All Sense Of Reason [open post]

[summerdude]

Magnus is walking down the front steps of the Mansion, freshly-loaded bag of food in tow, ruminating on a few of his most recent and devastatingly embarrassing conversations, when he hears footsteps behind him.

Well. He did tell Galahad he'd ask everyone. Might as well start now. "Can you explain the birds and the bees -- I mean, sex -- to me?" he demands, even before he sees who it is.

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[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot cannot determine if Magnus is serious, or why he's asking Lancelot of all people, which does put him on edge a bit. Eventually he says, "With whom do you intend to lie? Woman or man? My experience is limited to women."

[summerdude]

Oh no, he's sexist and straight?! Oh, those poor women. Magnus glowers harder. "My -- Alex is both," he says, challengingly.

[lanselos_du_lac]

This puzzles him a little, but he tries to move past that. "Here, then -- what would you like to know? General advice?"

[summerdude]

"From you?" Magnus asks, in tones of utter disgust and horror. Then, grudgingly: "...I guess."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"You need not have asked me," flatly. "Very well. Ask what your partner likes, speak honestly about what you prefer, pay attention, value their pleasure over your own. Will that do?"

[summerdude]

Magnus squints at Lancelot for a long moment. That almost sounds like... good advice? Is the straight sexist asshole occasionally decent to some people???? Wild. Inconceivable! Furious that he might actually have to listen to the guy's advice, he uncrosses his arms so he can cross them harder and more pointedly. "Thanks, I guess," he says, and reminds himself that this guy sucks harder than anyone else in this world. Still, when he says "Shithead," it's almost borderline polite. Almost.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Dryly, he says, "You are most welcome, Magnus."

[summerdude]

Ugh. Magnus makes a mental note to plot some kind of prank on Lancelot with Claudius so that he can get over this teensy tiny mild trickle of appreciation. Surely there's some itching powder somewhere that they can put into his socks, or whatever. He goes to stick out his tongue and stride off, but instead, he blurts, "...What do you mean by pay attention?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Oh," he considers a moment, how best to explain. "Pay attention to how they respond, I mean. In addition to what they say. That way you can better know if things are going well, or ill, or if something is particularly pleasing."

[summerdude]

Magnus squints suspiciously at Lancelot for another moment. Fine. He can trade a favor for a favor. He's not, like, some asshole, unlike some current conversational partners he could name.

The thing is that he hasn't actually read any self-help books, or whatever, so he's mostly working off of the references he's half-listened to in Odin's motivational speeches when he says, "Okay. Thanks, I guess. You should go to the library and read Who Moved My Cheese, Seven Heroic Qualities, The Resilience Workbook, The Second Sex, ummmm, the Feminine Mystique, Odin's Plan: How to Have A Successful Afterlife, aaaaaand Feeling Good."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I'll--" He eyes Magnus. "Yes."

[summerdude]

"Repeat the list back to me."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot's brows draw together, "My advice or the... books?"

[summerdude]

"Your advice was communicate openly and honestly, check in and pay attention, and make sure she's the focus," Magnus says, with a heavily put-upon sigh and a dramatic eye-roll. He keeps his mental notes in order!!! "Tell me the books so I know you remember them."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Now feels like a very good time to point out to Magnus that the huge bulk of what he says makes next to no sense to Lancelot, but he doesn't say that, for some reason.

Instead he sighs, and gives Magnus a look worthy of any put up on teen. He recites, "Something on the making of cheese, a 'workbook' on heroic qualities, The Second Sex, The Feminine Mystique, Odin's Afterlife?" This one gets a squint of maybe not. "And, Feeling Good."

[summerdude]

Speaking very slowly, like he's dealing with a nincompoop (which... let's be honest...), Magnus repeats, "Book one: Who Moved My Cheese. Book two: Seven Heroic Qualities. Book three: The Resilience Workbook. Book four: The Second Sex. Book five: The Feminine Mystique. Book six: Odin's Plan: How to Have A Successful Afterlife. Book seven: Feeling Good." He considers his own list for a moment. "And maybe Introductory Feminism for Dummies, if you can find it."

[lanselos_du_lac]

In truth, he is tired of this. He knows it is not possible to please Magnus. He doesn't even mind that, really, if it truly is for Galahad's sake. Even so.

"It sounds," he says, a little airily (oh, Lancelot, why) and making full eye contact with Magnus, "That I had your list correct. I wish you every joy with your partner. Good day, Sir Magnus."

[summerdude]

See if Magnus ever tries to do anything nice for you again, Lancelot! You deserve to have forgotten what's likely the most useful book on the list for you! "'Kay," he says, not even bothering to add a hearty fuckface or shithead or asshole. He doesn't even bother to flip the guy off. It's very cutting and damning, of course. Lancelot surely feels awful about it.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot smiles slightly and bows to him. "Be well, sir."

Obviously, he feels 'awful' about it.

[summerdude]

Oh, this asshole!!!!! Magnus decides to show off (read: threaten Lancelot) a little by trying out a new trick. He calls a bright flash of light -- as bright as the one he'd used to burn through the mountain-jotunn's illusions at the bowling alley, back when he was questing for Mjolnir -- between him and Lancelot, and adds a smidgeon of high-summer heat. Then he grips his backpack straps with each hand and leaps as far as he can out into the yard, which is about thirty feet, all told. Somehow, he's able to hit the ground walking, totally casually, like this is the kind of thing he does all the time. (Like, it could be, but it isn't.)

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot does throw up a hand to shield his eyes, but it's pretty apparent to him that this is largely harmless. Whatever, he thinks (in a not-un-Magnus-like fashion), let Magnus do ... whatever it is he does. He shakes his head and moves on.