New Plan, Step One: Provide For My Community [open]

[summerdude]

Magnus needs something to change, so when a Mansion calendar helpfully informs him that it's International Falafel Day back on Earth, he goes to the library for some cookbooks, and then to the kitchen.

He lays out ten different falafel recipes. He gathers the ingredients they list, as best as he can understand them. He has canned chickpeas and fresh chickpeas and dried chickpeas and chickpea flour and box mixes of falafel that say 'just add water!'

Cripes.

"I can do this," he says, peering at the assorted recipes intently for a good ten minutes, and then takes the dried chickpeas over to the sink to rinse and soak.

Comments

[summerdude]

"I don't know," Magnus says. Maybe about that piece, but more guilt has crowded in behind it. "I feel guilty about... so much."

[onthewillowsthere]

"There are a lot of parts," he agrees. "I think you should talk about them."

[summerdude]

"Okay," Magnus says, and takes a deep breath. He sorts through his thoughts, trying to pinpoint the biggest things bothering him, and then says, all in a rush: "I feel guilty that I can't do more for Shen Yuan. That I couldn't fix him and that I can't grow the body faster. I feel guilty that I made you uncertain of how much I love you and that I couldn't, like, get words out. I feel weird and guilty about how jealous I am that you've been doing routines with other people but not me, because normally it's, like, fine? I don't want you to stop doing things with other people. I just feel, like, sad? And guilty about it. I feel guilty about being upset that Claudius and Hanguang-jun asked Shen Yuan for a message for you and not me when they first talked to his spirit. I feel guilty about the fact that I survived my attack, which she did to target me, when Shen Yuan didn't, and he wasn't even her target. I feel guilty that there's a secret I've been keeping from everyone, because I've worried how people will feel when they hear it, and I can't even tell you yet because I need to tell Alex first, since he's my boyfriend. I feel guilty that I'm saying all this without stopping even though I know it's too much at once for you, but if I don't get it all out now I don't know if I'd be able to finish saying it. I feel guilty because I'm worried you'll think I don't trust you or you reactions, even though I do, and all my difficulty talking about all this is about me and how mixed-up inside I am, not you." He pauses, thinks back over the list, and adds, "Also I've been using our room to play dress-up and Godzilla Attack with Sunny. I don't feel as guilty about that one but I do feel like I should have told you I was doing it." Another pause. "Oh, and there's information I haven't given you yet that you'll definitely want to know. I just got... caught up, and forgot, and I feel bad about that too."

[onthewillowsthere]

It's a lot. It would be a lot even if there wasn't already a lot going on, and Galahad is very, very still and very quiet as he listens.

Most of it he understands. A lot of people feel guilty that they can't do more for Shen Yuan, even though everyone is already doing everything that there is to do, and Magnus can do more than most people can. He's already told Magnus that he's envious of the time Claudius and Magnus spend together on Lan Wangji's bamboo grove, when in the fall he was the one helping Claudius bring all the plants into the greenhouse, learning how to take care of them to help them survive the winter; he understands Magnus' envy. He understands why Magnus would be upset about not having his own message from Shen Yuan. He understands why Magnus would feel guilty for surviving when Shen Yuan didn't, although Percival would say that is just the nature of the world, and there's nothing that can be done about it. Claudius would say it's what war does. Most of it Galahad understands. It's just so much.

"Information?" he asks, picking at a thread he doesn't understand.

[summerdude]

"Um, like, for one... I found out that the person who attacked me and Shen Yuan is the same one giving you all those nightmares."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Why?"

[summerdude]

"I guess she, like, delights in misery or whatever."

[onthewillowsthere]

"I wasn't very miserable. I talked to Claudius and then I felt better."

[summerdude]

"Good," says Magnus, meaning it, and then, "I've been pretty miserable with her, like. Other attacks."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Trying to kill you?"

[summerdude]

"Killing Shen Yuan," Magnus says. "And, yeah, trying to kill me too, I guess. That would have really sucked." He wonders if there would have been a body, or if he'd become mist and void immediately.

[onthewillowsthere]

"It would have," Galahad agrees seriously.

[summerdude]

"The other thing..." Magnus glances over at Galahad. "I guess I forgot to mention it because I already told Claudius this morning. I, like. Talked to Luo Binghe. About you guys coming to where the plant bodies are."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Okay." He knew Claudius wanted to talk to Magnus about this; it's not a surprise.

[summerdude]

"I think he, like. Feels bad about what he did," Magnus says. He hadn't said that to Claudius; he figures it's only worth anything to him if it comes straight from the source. "He wants you guys to ignore him when we're all in there. No, like, looking at him or talking about him. And he said that, as a gesture of good faith or whatever... he doesn't know how, but the plant we're growing is, um. Intolerant to demonic qi? Or something? And so there's probably a way Claudius can use it so that he's, like. Untouchable by Luo Binghe's powers."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad's brows draw together very slightly at feels bad for what he did -- does that mean Luo Binghe is ready to apologize? He's not sure it matters any longer, although he would like it to -- but then he processes the second part. "Did you tell him?" His voice is even flatter than usual. He knows what it would mean for Claudius to be safe from Luo Binghe. He and Lan Wangji have commiserated about frightening and infuriating it is to be helpless, to know that if Luo Binghe decided to hurt Claudius again neither of them could do anything about it. If there were something Claudius could grow that would mean he wouldn't need to fear Luo Binghe-- it would mean everything.

[summerdude]

"I told Claudius about the plant, and that Luo Binghe wasn't really sure how it worked," Magnus says. "I didn't tell Luo Binghe how much it mattered. I figured Claudius wouldn't want him to know." He pauses. "For what it's worth, I think Luo Binghe was being honest. I think there's a way for the plant to really work."

[onthewillowsthere]

All of a sudden Galahad doesn't want anything so much as to go to Claudius, to find out how he feels about knowing. To make sure he's all right. To know he's safe.

He wants Magnus to understand how much it means.

He is the most important person to me. I don't just want him to be safe, he signs. I want him to be happy. To garden and cook horrible slimy food and read mysteries and play games with his friends. To have real friends. To have sex. With me and with other people who like him, who he likes, and not to be afraid of how someone could take it from him. Aornis does that. But Luo Binghe does that too.

[summerdude]

I know, Magnus signs, fingers flying. I'm holding Luo Binghe accountable. I was really, really clear that if anything else happens, all bets are off. I'm here for eternity too and I can be really persistent. He knows my priorities here are you and Hanguang-jun and Claudius. If Claudius is safe from anything he can do, maybe that's one less thing to worry about. One less thing to hurt his happiness. He pauses, thinking over his conversation with Luo Binghe, and then adds, I'm telling you what Luo Binghe wants. Not Claudius. Claudius doesn't need to think about it. I just told Claudius about the plant. And I'll be there every time you guys are. I can intercede. Luo Binghe promised he'd listen to me. I think he doesn't want any trouble. The stuff he's asking for -- being ignored -- I think he's trying to take away any temptation of feeling an urge to retaliate.

He sighs. "I know that's, like, not heartening," he adds. "But I think it's a sign he's making an effort."

[onthewillowsthere]

I don't care, sharply. He knows Magnus is trying to be fair, but he doesn't want to be fair to Luo Binghe. Luo Binghe has had months to regret what he did to Claudius, to swallow his pride and admit that he's a person who hurts people who are weaker than he is over petty insults. He can't even humble himself now when he needs Claudius' help. Retaliate for what? Galahad wants to ask Magnus. For Claudius' words? When he's already turned Claudius' blood against him and brought him to the brink of death? He should be grateful Claudius doesn't want to retaliate against him. He should be grateful Claudius hasn't turned everyone who lives here against him by telling everyone about him. He should be grateful Claudius cares about Shen Yuan and their community enough to use his clever mind to Luo Binghe's benefit.

Galahad hasn't been angry for a while, and he'd forgotten how it felt, the way his skin feels tight and his pulse throbs in his temples. The last time this happened it made the fire in his blood flare up, a licking flame that coursed hotly through him, but this time there's nothing to burn inside his body. He presses his lips together, flat and thin, and for a few moments he can't say anything else.

Finally he signs, Okay.

[summerdude]

"You're mad."

[onthewillowsthere]

I'm not mad at you.

[summerdude]

"It's okay if you are," Magnus says. "I'm being Middle Ground Guy, even though Claudius is, like, my bamboo. I know it sucks for both of you that I'm listening to Luo Binghe and his, like, feelings or whatever." He leans against Galahad. "I think it's necessary. I want Claudius to not have to be scared. I'm trying to -- fix things." His chin wobbles. Something good should come of all this, he adds.

[onthewillowsthere]

He frowns again. You also don't always have to fix everything. Okay? There is no prophecy here.

[summerdude]

Magnus is quiet for a long, long minute. "What?"