Perhaps Instead Of A Homeless Teen I Shoulda Been A 19th Century Newsboy, Given All These Headlines

[summerdude]

It's been a big few days in general, and this day, specifically, has also been pretty big, and so Magnus does the number two thing that reliably lets him reach a place where he feels more grounded: he goes to Hanguang-jun's parlor at a time when Hanguang-jun is also there playing music. (Number one, of course, is burying his face against Alex's belly and groaning. Number three, embarrassingly, is still finding a summery spot outside and praying to his dad.)

This time, he has a stack of comic books to go through -- he wants to start making tailored recommendation lists, for Tally and Lancelot (who he's made general recommendations to), but also for Galahad and Sagramore and Sunny and Hanguang-jun and Gideon and Shen Yuan and Gu Xiang and Tress and Nina. So he lays on the ground for a while, paging through issues while Hanguang-jun quietly picks out a tune on his qin and Danding nibbles his hair.

But after about half an hour, he's still got excitement and overstimulation brimming through his veins, so he sets Sensational She-Hulk #39 to one side (it's definitely going on Lancelot's list, probably also Tally's, possibly also Gideon's), twists his head, and waits for a lull in the music. When it comes, he says, "Hanguang-jun? I have... stuff. Not crisisy stuff. Mostly good stuff, and also... some questionsy stuff."

Comments

[summerdude]

"No, yeah, still," says Magnus, frowning. "I still hate it."

[lightbearinglord]

"It is not a pleasant way to live." At this point, Lan Wangji is as accustomed to it as he ever will be. He doubts Luo Binghe would move against him apart from in these subtle ways -- nightmares, trickery. They are unpleasant but survivable.

[summerdude]

Magnus shifts uneasily. He feels kind of dumb, actually? He'd known Luo Binghe did bad things, obviously, but until this conversation, he really didn't realize it was still this bad. He'd really, really thought that things might be shifting more toward resolution. But to have Hanguang-jun sound so... so matter of fact about thinking Luo Binghe wants him dead???

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji doesn't speak again, but he does keep his gaze trained on Magnus' face. He does hold onto his hand. He has had all these months to make his peace, inasmuch as it is possible, with Luo Binghe's presence. If this is the first time Magnus has stopped to consider its implications, he can easily imagine how overwhelming it might be.

[summerdude]

And another thing! If Luo Binghe achieves immortality, then what does that mean for Magnus? Not for the first time, he feels overwhelmed by dread at the idea of the mortality of his loved ones. He doesn't want to outlive his loved ones. He doesn't want to reach a place where he feels like his best option is to go back to Midgard or Valhalla, Ragnarok be damned.

At least there's Alex and Uncle D, he thinks, and tightens his grip on Hanguang-jun's hand.

[lightbearinglord]

Promptly, Lan Wangji squeezes Magnus' hand, hard enough that it would likely hurt someone who was not a demigod. "I'm here," he says quietly. Whatever Magnus is thinking and whatever fear he is battling, that remains true.

[summerdude]

"I know, Hanguang-jun. I'm sorry."

[lightbearinglord]

"Why are you sorry?"

[summerdude]

"I'm, like," Magnus sighs. "Getting worked up about the far future, I guess. Again."

[lightbearinglord]

"Mn. You are worrying about things you can neither change nor predict."

[summerdude]

"Yeah, well, mortality continues to plague me, Hanguang-jun," Magnus says, in a fit of sounding significantly more teenaged than is his usual.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji exhales a quiet little breath. His eyes have yet to leave Magnus' face. "Understood."

[summerdude]

"It's fine, I'm talking to Uncle D about it," Magnus says, to reassure Hanguang-jun, but immediately follows that up with, "I just... I can't get used to the idea that I'm going to outlive just about everyone I love here." One point in favor of Valhalla! "But, like, it's whatever. I guess."

[lightbearinglord]

"It is not whatever." This may be a topic to bring up whenever Dionysus decides to request that planned weiqi lesson. "If you felt nothing about it, that would speak poorly of you."

[summerdude]

"No, yeah, I know, I mean... there's nothing I can do about it. So."

[lightbearinglord]

"Some residents may choose to avail themselves of the plant bodies, if Claudius can grow enough," Lan Wangji offers.

[summerdude]

"No, that's not... I mean..." Magnus sighs. "Yeah. I guess so."

[lightbearinglord]

"I know it is inadequate. But I cannot promise never to die."

[summerdude]

Magnus really doesn't want to talk or think about this!!! "I know, Hanguang-jun."

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji scoops him up and pulls him into a proper hug, then, one administered with near-crushing force. No words at all can be adequate to navigate this topic with grace.

[summerdude]

Magnus lets himself be dragged, burying his face in Hanguang-jun's shoulder. The hug is a good one. Necessary on multiple levels, in fact. The tension of the day starts leeching out of him, and he slumps into Hanguang-jun's hold.

[lightbearinglord]

It has not, by Lan Wangji's reckoning, been the most difficult talk they have ever had -- but it has not been an easy one, either. He settles Magnus firmly into his arms and doesn't let go of him. He cannot promise not to die, but he can make it clear that he will be here for as long as it is possible. Anything that separates them will be a twist of fate, not of his own choice.

[summerdude]

One day, even Sunny is going to look older than Magnus. Maybe he should talk to Uncle D about that, too -- about the fact that he's stuck looking like this forever, and all the people he loves are going to continue to age and change. Even Alex can choose to look older, if he wants, even though he usually doesn't. It's not anything he can do anything about, but it is a big difference from Valhalla, where the options were (1) live, unchanging, until you die in Ragnarok, (2) die outside the hotel and fade into Ginnungagap, or (3) get so disconnected from the afterlife that you fade within Valhalla itself. Apart from that and the quests, he'd been outside the stream of time. Here he's stuck in it, a rock that can't be dislodged. He doesn't want to think about the people he loves moving past him in a way he can't emulate, to a place he can't follow.

But that's still years away, hopefully. Shen Yuan came back. Even if Luo Binghe has been hurting people Magnus loves, he probably won't murder anyone and prevent them from accessing another one of the plant bodies. Magnus wouldn't force Valhalla on anyone even if he could... and he certainly wouldn't force Volkswagon on Hanguang-jun of all people. He should stop being sad about things that haven't happened yet. Alex can help with that. She usually does. He doesn't need to put this on Hanguang-jun.

"I love you," he mumbles into the hold.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji knows that this is easier for him. He is the one who will not have to live to see Magnus die permanently, a thought so inherently horrifying that his mind wants to shy away from it instantly. He can't say anything that will make it better. When he first came here, he still occasionally thought it might be possible that he would cultivate to immortality one day. He was wrong, and he doesn't regret having been wrong. He would rather have all these earthly attachments, and feel all this love, than live forever.

"I love you," he repeats back to Magnus, heavy with his sincerity.

[summerdude]

"Can I listen to you play music for, like... a while?"