I Lose All Sense Of Reason [open post]

[summerdude]

Magnus is walking down the front steps of the Mansion, freshly-loaded bag of food in tow, ruminating on a few of his most recent and devastatingly embarrassing conversations, when he hears footsteps behind him.

Well. He did tell Galahad he'd ask everyone. Might as well start now. "Can you explain the birds and the bees -- I mean, sex -- to me?" he demands, even before he sees who it is.

Comments

[recognizance]

"What?" horrified. "No."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot is taken completely aback and so all he manages is, "Hello, Magnus."

[socialjusticedragon]

"Why is it called the birds and the bees?" Temeraire says curiously. "Mating is a thing everyone does, not just birds and bees."

[futaille]

Grantaire is momentarily taken aback. "Ah. Hello. Anything about it in particular?"

[aflashbastard]

Crowley opens his mouth in confusion, then without a word, turns around and walks back into the Mansion.

[temnota]

Aleksander stared, wondering if he had finally lost his mind. "Why? No, never mind, I don't want to know. There must be someone else you can ask about this."

[new_inglewoodblues]

"I will tell thee everything, little god."

[wwx_isdead]

Wei Wuxian stops in his tracks, but he recovers quickly, determined not to let his month of misery turn him into someone unrecognizable. He smiles, pleased to see Magnus and maybe even more pleased to have something to offer, and says, "Sure! I know plenty! What do you want to know about?"

[sorrowandsorrow]

Janet laughs, not nicely, although that's partially a side effect of the sheer surprise of the question. She doesn't even feel bad about it. "Sure, I can if you want. Is this a symptom of internet withdrawal or something?"

[summerdude]

"Yep, you know what? Good call! Never mind. Thanks. Sorry, SecUnit," Magnus says, bobbing a half-curtsy, half-bow at it.

[summerdude]

Oh hell no. Magnus had somehow managed to make himself forget that Lancelot existed for several blissful days. He doubles down. "Hi, fuckface!" A firm look. One might almost call it a glare. "I said what I said."

[summerdude]

"Figure of speech!" Magnus squints at Temeraire. He hadn't expected the dragon, but now he's curious. "How do dragons do it?"

[summerdude]

"Everything," Magnus says, in tones of great woe.

[summerdude]

"Dude, I don't even know who you are," Magnus says, squinting. He thought he knew everyone here!!

[summerdude]

Magnus only catches Crowley's back. "Okay," he says. "Bye..."

[summerdude]

"Oh, thank the gods." Ragnelle will absolutely know about sex. "I'm your humble student, Ragnelle."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I doubt I'm the right person to provide such an explanation."

[summerdude]

Oh, phew! Wei Wuxian probably already knows about Magnus's totally embarrassing question to Lan Wangji, which means he's probably much more equipped to handle the question than anyone else here. "How to not embarrass myself," he says, in dire tones. "Please, Wei Wuxian, I know jack shit."

[futaille]

"Everything would take a while. And everything also probably goes out of the bounds of most people's knowledge." He shrugs. "But I could try and make a decent start of it, anyway. What do you already know?"

[summerdude]

"Oh, hey Janet! Um, sure. Let's go with that."

[summerdude]

Magnus ticks off on his fingers as he says, "No means no, always use a condom, ummmmm, make sure your partner is ready?" He squints. "Praying mantises rip their partner's heads off mid-sex but that probably doesn't happen outside Valhalla?"

[summerdude]

"Oh, you'll probably suck at it!" Magnus says, crossing his arms. Lancelot, shitty father that he is, has obviously produced a child, so he's clearly got some fundamentals down, though Magnus can only assume a self-absorbed dick like Lancelot must be really bad at sex. Magnus considers asking about avoiding all that -- not that dead people can have kids, but he certainly doesn't want one -- but settles for giving Lancelot a keen and lowkey threatening sort of expectant stare instead. Whatever Lancelot says, Magnus can just make a note to do the opposite of it.

[sorrowandsorrow]

"Hi, Magnus," Janet says with a little smirk. "Are we talking, like, how to put a condom on a banana and not die of syphilis? Or how to be good in bed?"

[futaille]

"I would leave that particular aspect of mantis behavior to the insects in question, yes. All right. Do you know nothing of the mechanics, then?"

[new_inglewoodblues]

"Hast thou a lord or a lady or some other thing?" She puts her hands on her hips, surveying him.