I Lose All Sense Of Reason [open post]

[summerdude]

Magnus is walking down the front steps of the Mansion, freshly-loaded bag of food in tow, ruminating on a few of his most recent and devastatingly embarrassing conversations, when he hears footsteps behind him.

Well. He did tell Galahad he'd ask everyone. Might as well start now. "Can you explain the birds and the bees -- I mean, sex -- to me?" he demands, even before he sees who it is.

Comments

[futaille]

"Everything would take a while. And everything also probably goes out of the bounds of most people's knowledge." He shrugs. "But I could try and make a decent start of it, anyway. What do you already know?"

[summerdude]

Magnus ticks off on his fingers as he says, "No means no, always use a condom, ummmmm, make sure your partner is ready?" He squints. "Praying mantises rip their partner's heads off mid-sex but that probably doesn't happen outside Valhalla?"

[futaille]

"I would leave that particular aspect of mantis behavior to the insects in question, yes. All right. Do you know nothing of the mechanics, then?"

[summerdude]

"My girlfriend cut my head off once," Magnus offers, by way of explanation. "So I wouldn't write the mantis thing off entirely. And, uh, I know... a little. The fundamentals. Genitals, other genitals, ...stuff..."

[futaille]

"Not always simply genitals, but I assume that may fall under the broad category of 'stuff'. Knowing the fundamentals is a good enough start, at least. After that, as with most things, trial and error can be the greatest of teachers."

[summerdude]

Magnus has read exactly one book and observed two halves of different pornos, all of which were consumed nearly a decade ago. "Okay," he says, doubtfully.

[futaille]

"I appreciate your obvious skepticism," he says a bit wryly. "But I think the most important thing to know is that it very close to a universal truism that when you finally indulge, your first time will not be... particularly good. So do not rest too high expectations on it."

[summerdude]

Multiple people have said this, so clearly nobody understands how important it is that Magnus not suck at it!!!!! "Grantaire," he says, imploringly. "Buddy. Look. I know we haven't talked much since you got here, but... I can't embarrass myself."

[futaille]

"You probably will," he replies. It's matter-of-fact and cheerful. "You will probably, in fact, join a long line of people who, since the dawn of creation, have had no idea what they were doing their first time at sex, no matter how much advice they'd gotten and how prepared they thought they were. And as embarrassing and terrible as it might be, it will be wonderful at the same time. And then you continue at it, and learn what you like, and learn what they like, and you improve together, and it gets less embarrassing and less terrible. And you look fondly back at when it was embarrassing and terrible, even though you'd rather not actually repeat it."

[summerdude]

Magnus chews on this for a moment. "...Huh."

[futaille]

He nods. "So my advice is to resign yourself to a terrible first time and use that as a starting point to make your second time better. And so on and so forth."

[summerdude]

"That's so reasonable," Magnus sighs, much in the manner of a teenager who feels heavily put-upon.

[futaille]

And that makes Grantaire wince a bit. "What has the world come to, when I'm giving advice that anyone calls reasonable?"

[summerdude]

"Sorry," Magnus says, and grins at Grantaire. "That advice was stupid and dumb. How's that?"

[futaille]

"How about ridiculous yet somewhat entertaining?"

[summerdude]

"So ridiculous," Magnus agrees, laughing. "Hey, speaking of first times, since when do you and Enjolras kiss???!! I thought he was going to pine away forever."

[futaille]

Grantaire's eyes widen a bit. "Oh, since.. ah-- Wait. You thought Enjolras was going to... he wasn't... what?"

[summerdude]

"Um, yeah? Didn't I tell you, like, months ago that I saw you in his memories? Dude. Talk about, like, longing."

[futaille]

"I..." He shakes his head, collecting his thoughts. "Obviously I would have been in his memories, but he barely tolerated me. At least right up until... Until just before we got here."

[summerdude]

"Okaaaaaaay," says Magnus, who knows exactly what he saw, Grantaire!

[futaille]

"I was the pining one," replies Grantaire, who knows exactly what he lived, thank you, Magnus.

[summerdude]

"Whoa... did you guys just not, like, talk about it at all before you got here?" Magnus asks. Literally nothing will convince him that Enjolras didn't carry a torch for Grantaire when he got here.

[futaille]

"Of course not. I didn't say anything until the truth spell." This conversation is giving him the strangest feeling that he might be losing his mind.

[summerdude]

"Truth spell?" Oh, right, he remembers some people mentioning that. He frowns at the look on Grantaire's face. "It's okay, dude! It helps not to think about it as, like, lost time. Trust me. This stuff, I know about."

[futaille]

"I'm... not. I'm thinking of how incredibly lucky I am that he even agreed to a dance with me, much less what followed."