You Say Overkill, I Say Due Diligence [open post]

[summerdude]

Magnus copies the sign onto seven different pieces of paper. It reads:

WANT TO LEARN NEW SKILLS? ME FREAKING TOO. I (Magnus Chase) Will Trade Lessons In Any Of The Following For Something You Know:

• ASL (Alf/American Sign Language)


• Camping (pitching tents, campfire safety, celestial navigation)


• What To Do If You Find Yourself Lost In The World Tree Yggdrasil


• Pickpocketing (But only if you promise to use it for good (stealing ONLY from dickhead rich people) and ONLY if you have to!)


• Swordfighting for Beginners (I am intermediate but Jack is advanced and he can help!)


• What It REALLY Feels Like To Die (NOT ADVICE!!!)


• (Trans)Gender Identity and Fluidity (from the perspective of a cis guy) (Alex-approved content only)


• What To Do If The God You're Talking To Is Super Obnoxious Particular


• Why Falafel is the Best Food in the World

All skills welcome! But if you know any of the following I am especially interested: Cooking, Geometry, How To Declare Your Love To Your Partner, Hand-to-Hand Combat, Balancing a Budget, Writing Poetry, Social Studies, Codebreaking.

(Sorry but I will not learn pottery from anyone but ♥Alex Fierro♥. I hope you understand.)

PS if there's enough interest we can maybe do full classes where everybody gets to take turns teaching and learning?

He adds a note about the areas where he can most frequently be found and then posts one sign in each of the two kitchens he's encountered, one by the welcome table, one on the door to the greenhouses, one in the library, one on his bedroom door, and one by what he believes to be the most-populated lounge. Then, with a great deal of eager anticipation, he goes about his day.


[A note from Magnus's typist: Open indefinitely!]

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[summerdude]

Magnus drops gracelessly down on the ground in front of Claudius, keeping carefully away from the bulbs. Same, basically, he signs, and gives Claudius an imploring look. He doesn't want to add to whatever's overwhelming Claudius, but -- "Dude, I need your help."

[wickedwit]

"Ask, and 'tis thine." That feels a little formal, despite the informal register -- he really does hear it, when it's the first thing said out loud. Sitting back on his heels, he asks, "What's the trouble?"

[summerdude]

"You know stuff about plants," Magnus says, nodding at the bulbs. Galahad had suggested he could probably ask Claudius to teach him about growing things without just using magic. "And you're friends with Hanguang-jun, right? I've seen you guys hanging out."

[wickedwit]

Claudius casts a ruefull look on a half-eaten bulb. "I know a few things," he says. "I know tulip bulbs are toxic to humans and cats but squirrels, it seems, can't help nibbling on them for their savor. And," he says more proudly, "I do have the fortune of calling Hanguang-jun a friend." He has to practice saying it the way Magnus does, not in the breathless tones he's heard Wei Wuxian use. Hanguang-jun. Still a little flirty, but in context, he hopes it sounds fond.

[summerdude]

Leaning forward earnestly, Magnus says, "Has he told you about where he comes from? Cloud Recesses? I keep thinking -- I don't know what it's like there, just that they use jade tokens instead of keys--" Absently, his hand comes up to grip the token Lan Wangji gave him. "But I recognize most of the plants here, and maybe that means he doesn't?" Magnus's knowledge of the natural world is woefully small for the son of a natural world god. "And I want him to be comfortable, you know? In case he doesn't. I had Galahad bring me a book on the, like, native vegetation of China, because that's the closest I can come to figuring out if there's a version of his world in my world, but then I was like, maybe this is all wrong, maybe Claudius will know." He smiles at Claudius. "And then Galahad mentioned he's been helping you with the gardens, and I was like, perfect, maybe me and Claudius can figure out a way to grow Hanguang-jun something that feels like home." It has recently become very, very important to Magnus that Lan Wangji doesn't get homesick.

Then he casts a glance at the bulb. "And I can tell the squirrels to cut it out, if you want," he offers: a trade, in case Claudius prefers one to an out-and-out favor for Magnus. "I'm pretty sure it's just Hubert trying to prove that he's grown up and self-sufficient now."

[wickedwit]

With the series of realizations he's had to make, Claudius doesn't let the offer slow him. It does raise another concern. "Can the squirrels understand you as well as me?" he asks. "If so, please pass on my apologies to Hubert. I do want to have tulips, but I shouldn't have made ungentlemanly remarks." They were, to be fair, the most delicate yet cutting remarks a man has ever made in the direction of a squirrel. There was a lot about decorum and proportion, which might sting for a young squirrel out on his own.

That said, he smiles. "Hanguang-jun speaks of you the way he speaks of his brightest disciple -- quite impressive, given the shorter span of time we've spent here. I see why. It's already a remarkably thoughtful idea, and here you are, studying and seeking counsel for it." Claudius believes Lan Wangji would be touched, which is the only thing that saves it from being the most overdone flattery and teasing¹. "I think we can help each other." He signs sorry instead of saying it, not wanting to get caught up. "That sounded rather scheming and calculating, but it just so happens Lan Wangji has told me about the Cloud Recesses, and the places he would be proudest to show a visitor. He mentioned magnolia, which flowers twice a season, and groves of bamboo. I'm growing gentian flowers for him, but I don't want to present them alone in a seed tray. I'd like to arrange something rather more thoughtful, and also work more on methods to preserve plants throughout the winter. I've books that tell me I should invest in a full spectrum LED lights. Do I look like a man who knows where to find a full spectrum LED light? We should combine our research."

¹ It's a bit much, that's all.

[summerdude]

"I don't think most animals pay attention to humans who can't understand them, but I could ask? And I don't know anything about preserving plants," Magnus says, a little ruefully. "And I don't know if it'll be good for them to just, like, zap them with summer every day... I think they probably need to hibernate. Bamboo, gentians, and magnolia, huh? I wonder if they have, like, seeds here for those things."

[wickedwit]

There's a relief, Claudius thinks. He doesn't have to ask Magnus to apologize to the birds next, for always openly and shamelessly speculating about their personal lives. He likes to imagine he and the birds have built up a rapport at this point, but one can never be sure.

"Fortunately, autumn is the best time of year for collecting most seeds. I couldn't tell you when to find bamboo seeds -- that may be a subject for mutual research," he says, looking forward to the idea, and wanting to assure Magnus all the answers needn't come at once. "Magnolia flowers in spring and late summer, yielding some of the strangest-looking fruits. You won't be able to mistake them the next time you see them. But for a tree, it might be preferable to take a cutting ... I don't know the extent of your ability to, ah, zap plants with summer. But it's preferable to take cuttings in the growing season. Would you be able to make, say, a branch of a tree believe it's summer long enough for me to show you?" If he were in mixed company, he might rein in his excitement to perform untried experiments in plant propagation. But Magnus has listened to Claudius ramble -- or, in his words, infodump -- on all manner of subjects¹.

¹ Claudius has also infodumped extensively to Galahad about plant science and how cool it is to make plants from other parts of plants and did you know Crowley keeps plants from others climates in a glass house to recreate tropical conditions, which can also be used to extend the growing season -- right, of course you do, you've been there.

[summerdude]

"Oh, that's easy," Magnus says. He shrugs, but eagerness is suffusing him. "Are you talking about grafting? One of the books I looked at mentioned grafting."

[wickedwit]

"Crucial to grafting," Claudius says, with all delight. It's a delight few see unless he's scored some point in a social game he's playing, embarrassed someone or carried off some subtle manipulation. Except, of course, it's about plants. (Plants don't have social lives, except he has read other books that suggest they communicate, and infodumped to Galahad about those, too.) "Grafting takes a cutting from one plant and joins it to another. If one plant has stronger roots, say, then grafting a cutting to it gives the cutting a better chance to survive. We can try that, too. In a way, it's fitting. We've all been grafted a bit here, and Lan Wangji ... he's a traditional man, but I believe he appreciates the benefits of adaptation." But don't get Claudius started on Darwin. That wasn't a purposeful discovery, but it was a fascinating one, and one Claudius spent some time puzzling over, when he was so certain the properties of different species of plants were influenced by celestial bodies, put there by God.

The celestial bodies probably are still relevant. Darwin just hadn't figured that part out.

[summerdude]

Magnus, as it turns out, really likes when Claudius gets excited about things. He feels really kindred in those moments. He smiles at the guy. "You think we're getting stronger here?" he asks, hoping that it's true. And then: "How else are cuttings used? If it's not just for grafting."

[wickedwit]

"Cuttings can grow their own roots, if the conditions are right for them. Depending on the plant, it can be long and slow -- it won't receive all the benefits of being grafted to another, established tree. But once the roots come in, it can be planted in soil, and grow into a tree all its own. As for us," he says, eyes bright and smiling, "in many ways, many of us have already gotten stronger. Grafted plants can make use of each other's resistances, bear the stress of changing seasons, become something new. They're a bit unnatural -- some even say sinful. But to a tree that wouldn't flourish otherwise, what's a little sin against nature?" He laughs. "I may be overextending my metaphor. But needless to say: here I've seen many people learn from each other and grow together, in circumstances far from natural."

[summerdude]

"I don't think I really believe in sin like that," Magnus says, consideringly. "But that's super cool about cuttings. I had no idea they could grow roots. I mean, I know about putting an avocado pit in water, but."

[wickedwit]

"Now you must educate me," Claudius says, quite happily. "What is an avocado? I suppose it must be a stone fruit, if it has a pit."

[summerdude]

"Oh, yeah, I guess?" Magnus doesn't actually know the provenance of the avocado, besides the fact that it grows on trees. "They're green, the flesh is. They're super tropical? And their texture is kind of firm banana-y? They're the main ingredient in guacamole, which is one of the best non-falafel foods out there."

[wickedwit]

Claudius fingerspells falafel, f-a-l-a-f-e-l, then smiles with the joy of a connection made. "That's right, you had made the offer to teach why falafel is the finest of foods. You must've been the inspiration for that meal. Ordinarily, I only sit down to eat when there's company and conversation, and there's no custom of that here -- I can go a long while without eating, and Galahad takes exception to it." He says this with fondness for Galahad, and no concern whatsoever for himself. "Once, after gardening together, we went back to the kitchen where I only intended to make instant coffee. When I told him so, he took a plate of falafel from the cold box and said," Claudius fingerspells falafel again, then signs eat. "I did rather enjoy it. And the yogurt sauce -- does that have a name?"

[summerdude]

"Galahad should take exception. Everyone's gotta eat, dude," Magnus says -- a little sternly; he has a vested interest in Galahad's happiness. "Was it, like, thick and spreadable, or did it have stuff in it?"

[wickedwit]

It would be the most spoiled thing a prince could say to someone once homeless, that he lost his interest in meals around the same time he gave up on feasts. When frantic with mania or dulled by depression, or in the even-humored stretches where he hasn't built the habit, the necessity of a food is a distance annoyance at best, nothing to look forward to the way he looks forward to breaking Galahad's fast or approving the results of his baking practice. Talking about the food, however, makes it interesting again, as he considers the question¹. "There were herbs. Dill, I think -- the leaves have a distinctive shape -- and mint. And a crisp, green vegetable, with a refreshing sort of flavor."

¹ He could stand to have a test taste with friends. No, shots with Crowley don't count.

[summerdude]

"Jajik," Magnus says, satisfied. "The vegetable is cucumber. It's really good, right?" He sighs a little, though, thinking back on everything else Claudius has said in the past few minutes. "I think communal meals are what I miss most about Valhalla. Battle Practice sucks, but after, every night, everyone sits down to a feast of Saehrimnir and mead, and Saehrimnir always tastes like exactly what you want it to taste like. There's a beef flank, and a pork flank, and a poultry flank, and a tofu and bean curd flank. I mean, sometime the feasts are a little, like, 'hey, can we get a little less cultural appropriation up in this afterlife, my guys!' and it sucks when you have to be the center of attention at one, but it's still nice to be in that kind of environment."

[wickedwit]

Claudius smiles, with sincere surprise to hear some of his own opinions reflected by Magnus. "All the traditions for feasts in Denmark must have roots in the same traditions as Valhalla's. Not, of course, that we still have mythical, self-rejuvenating beasts with multiple flanks ... but everything else sounds the same. We may even share the unfortunate amounts of cultural appropriation, depending on what that term means." It sounds like something Danish feasts would have in spades, at least from Claudius's perspective.

[summerdude]

"It's when you copy elements of another culture but do it in a way that erases their context and meaning and is ultimately somewhere between 'a little fucked up' and 'majorly fucked up,'" Magnus explains. "Kind of fetishizing? Kind of imperialistic slash colonialistic? Valhalla loves it, unfortunately. Tons of Luau Nights and stuff like that."

[wickedwit]

"Ah, I see. At Danish feasts, there tend be a lot of men who've only encountered other cultures through military campaigns, so they see everything in terms of conquest and spoils of war. Anything valuable somehow loses its history, and because some Dane stole it back when we were still pillaging monasteries, Denmark still claims it now. It's as true of traditions as it is of relics." He sighs. "I know it sounds like I'm complaining about the feasts. But really, I'm complaining about my family. It's the company that makes a meal."

[summerdude]

"Oh yeah, that sounds like cultural appropriation," Magnus nods. "I guess it makes sense that Danish feasts sound kinda like Viking feasts."

[wickedwit]

"I'd wager most of the traditions around drinking come from Viking feasts. All the pledge drinking -- I think it's the same as heitstrenging, without an animal sacrifice. To be a man of state, you need a second stomach for wine and liquor, because every oath is sworn by draining a flask of Rhenish, with kettle-drums and trumpets to sound out the pledge¹. But the queen, my sister-in-law --" Thus far, Claudius has been select in showing the layers of what Queen Gertrude means to him. There was a time, newly arrived, when he'd be reluctant to speak of her as anything but the queen he respected. If he spoke of her as his dear sister, he'd separate it from any feelings of longing, to the point that Laertes was surprised when Claudius spoke of his intention to marry her. If he spoke of the woman he loved, he'd never speak of her by name, except to Lan Wangji. That name was like a precious pearl, a union thrown in a cup to drink to better health, not to be tossed around carelessly. But Gertrude is in a play. And Claudius is sure his hopeless feelings for her are the in the play, too, because his story isn't much without it. "Gertrude had a way of making anyone feel welcome," he says. "That made the company at feasts more varied, the conversation more interesting and convivial, and the whole affair much more communal. At least for me. I used to be far less sociable."

[summerdude]

"I feel that," Magnus says emphatically. He wonders if Gertrude is Claudius's Percival — if she's a friend that Claudius felt more deeply for back home, but who he couldn't be with for some reason. God, or country, or duty, or prophecy, or whatever. He's glad that his friends could find each other here, if they both have someone off limits and/or unrequited back home. It does make him miss Alex more acutely, though — his person loves? likes him back, and obviously Magnus couldn't possibly be interested in anyone else, but he's just as separated from Alex as Galahad and maybe-Claudius are from their people. He offers: "Sometimes my boyfriend Alex skips the nightly thing in the Feast Hall of the Slain to chaperone our valkyrie — Sam and Alex have the same parent — with her betrothed, and it's always a little less fun without him there. More gritty and doom-y, you know." He pauses, thoughtful. "Alex doesn't bother trying to make other people feel welcome though. It's more that when he's there, everything is better. Easier to manage."