You Say Overkill, I Say Due Diligence [open post]

[summerdude]

Magnus copies the sign onto seven different pieces of paper. It reads:

WANT TO LEARN NEW SKILLS? ME FREAKING TOO. I (Magnus Chase) Will Trade Lessons In Any Of The Following For Something You Know:

• ASL (Alf/American Sign Language)


• Camping (pitching tents, campfire safety, celestial navigation)


• What To Do If You Find Yourself Lost In The World Tree Yggdrasil


• Pickpocketing (But only if you promise to use it for good (stealing ONLY from dickhead rich people) and ONLY if you have to!)


• Swordfighting for Beginners (I am intermediate but Jack is advanced and he can help!)


• What It REALLY Feels Like To Die (NOT ADVICE!!!)


• (Trans)Gender Identity and Fluidity (from the perspective of a cis guy) (Alex-approved content only)


• What To Do If The God You're Talking To Is Super Obnoxious Particular


• Why Falafel is the Best Food in the World

All skills welcome! But if you know any of the following I am especially interested: Cooking, Geometry, How To Declare Your Love To Your Partner, Hand-to-Hand Combat, Balancing a Budget, Writing Poetry, Social Studies, Codebreaking.

(Sorry but I will not learn pottery from anyone but ♥Alex Fierro♥. I hope you understand.)

PS if there's enough interest we can maybe do full classes where everybody gets to take turns teaching and learning?

He adds a note about the areas where he can most frequently be found and then posts one sign in each of the two kitchens he's encountered, one by the welcome table, one on the door to the greenhouses, one in the library, one on his bedroom door, and one by what he believes to be the most-populated lounge. Then, with a great deal of eager anticipation, he goes about his day.


[A note from Magnus's typist: Open indefinitely!]

Comments

[agula]

The most intriguing part of this is the demonstration of the fridge, which Qi Yan has not used yet. But she puts that aside for now and bites into one of the falafels. It's delicious; spiced with flavors Qi Yan has never experienced, and satisfyingly crisp. She takes her time eating it, devoting all her attention to the experience out of respect for Magnus.

"It's very good." It seems important to Magnus for her to think so, so she wants him to know. "I am honored to be introduced to it. I can think of something that may go well with it, if you'll allow me the liberty." She gestures to the fridge. "How does it produce what you request?"

[summerdude]

"Mostly I just think very hard at it about what I want," Magnus says. He's very glad Qi Yan liked the falafel. "It works about... 90% of the time?"

[agula]

Qi Yan focuses on what she wants, and indeed, when she opens the fridge it reveals a small bowl of dark green paste. "Chive flower paste," she says, taking it out. "Where I come from, we do not grow crops, so our diet is mainly meat. But we have this seasonally, when the wild chives blossom in the spring. It is a very good accompaniment to food that is fried or fatty." She is speaking of where she actually comes from, despite having told many people that she's from the Jin province; if it doesn't mean anything here, then she doesn't have to worry about anyone noticing discrepancies in her background.

[summerdude]

"Oh, cool," Magnus says, leaning over and giving it a sniff. "I love a good paste."

[agula]

Qi Yan spoons a small dab of the paste onto one of the falafel balls and takes a bite. It adds a satisfying sharpness, and masks the slight dryness that Magnus lamented. She offers him the bowl, raising her eyebrows as a question.

[summerdude]

Magnus scoops some onto a falafel of his own and shoves it into his mouth in one bite. "Thish ish very good," he says enthusiastically, his mouth full. (Valhalla isn't huge on dining manners.)

[agula]

Luckily, Qi Yan finds young people with poor manners very likable. "This humble scholar is pleased to have been of service."

[summerdude]

Magnus swallows. "Do you want to try some of the sauces that usually come with falafel?" he asks. "Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with this and I'm glad you showed me! But there are some pretty good ones if you wanted to try them out."

[agula]

"Of course. I must complete my education, right?"

[summerdude]

So Magnus goes back to the fridge and gets an assortment: jajik and toum and tahini and the spicy sauce whose name he doesn't know. Other dips, for good measure, just in case: baba ghanoush and hummus -- the latter so he can show off the range of the humble, exalted chickpea.

He sets these out in front of Qi Yan and points to each one in turn. "That one's made out of yogurt and cucumber and mint," he says. "And that one is mostly garlic. That one is mostly sesame. The others are less commonly eaten with falafel, as far as I know, but they're also so good. Eggplant, and more chickpeas."

[agula]

Since this is Magnus' end of their skill exchange, Qi Yan takes it as seriously as she hopes Magnus will take her upcoming instruction on warfare. She tries each of the sauces both alone and with the falafel, and tries to give each of them her full consideration.

The food in the imperial court is very good, but these flavors are new to her. She enjoys the sharpness of the garlic in many of the sauces, and it's well-balanced by bright hits of acid, grassy herbs and creamy yogurt. Eggplant she knows, but never prepared this way, and between the falafel and the hummus, the chickpeas prove impressively versatile. The spice, though, makes her eyes water—the grass plains don't use many spices, and while they eat spicy food in some parts of the Wei kingdom, Nangong Jingnu doesn't favor it. She wipes them with her sleeve with a self-deprecating smile. "This is a cultural education well worth the trade."

[summerdude]

"I'm glad," Magnus says, satisfied. "When I was still homeless, Fadlan's Falafels... um, this restaurant where I'm from that serves falafel and other Iraqi food? They gave me so many free hot meals with product that was slightly too old to sell. Amir -- he's the son of the owner -- he's betrothed to my valkyrie, so I still get it a lot now, except now I can pay for it."

[agula]

Qi Yan's heart goes out to him; she knows how it is not to have a home. "I am glad to hear that times are better for you now." The fact that Magnus now patronizes the business who helped him through times of struggle also gives her a very favorable impression of him. She dips a piece of falafel in the toum and pops it in her mouth. "Have you found some profession, then?"

[summerdude]

"Sort of," Magnus says. "I like, died? Technically? It's really easy to come by red gold in Valhalla, both as a reward for quests and as, like -- a lot of einherjar choose to stay there all the time instead of spending a ton of time in the outside worlds, and so they no longer have use for their money."

[agula]

Qi Yan doesn't know what to make of this. She often considers herself someone who has died, symbolically, but that doesn't seem to be what Magnus means. She decides not to question it for now. "Then I'm glad that fortune has been kinder to you. She has another taste of the baba ghanoush—it is delicious. "It is in Valhalla that you must study warfare, then? Would you like to discuss it now, while we eat?"

[summerdude]

"Oh, yeah," Magnus says. He pauses long enough to shove a few more falafel into his mouth and mostly chew them. "We're preparing for the final battle at the end of the world, and even though I won't survive it I wanna do my best."

[agula]

"It sounds a weighty charge," she says sincerely. "I don't know how much I can help—I'm good with ideas, but I have never commanded an army, much less fought a battle. But here is what I know. Besieging a city, particularly a walled city, is very difficult, and very expensive. If the army can keep supplies from entering the city, it's possible to starve them out, but what will the army eat? Thousands of men require food and drink, not to mention weapons and armor, and their horses must also be provided for. The cost of dispatching a single soldier may be up to half a liang of silver per day, so unless the dispatching kingdom has very deep pockets, it is difficult to outlast the store of provisions kept in a city. That is why Sun Tzu advises never to besiege a walled city if it can be avoided."

She pauses to eat more falafel. "And now let me tell you of the situation in Huainan, and you may tell me your thoughts. First of all, you must know that the Emperor of the Wei kingdom is unique." She remembers telling Magnus that she was married to a princess. She hopes he won't make the connection here, only because Qi Yan has no desire to discuss her personal matters. "The previous Emperor had nine sons, yet even among so many, there was no suitable heir to inherit the kingdom. He refused to name an heir while alive, but left an edict to be read upon his death stating his intention to leave the kingdom to his youngest daughter. She was prepared for this, and had already secured military and political support, but it was nevertheless a bloody and controversial succession. Many in the court and the kingdom still find it difficult to accept a female Emperor. Beyond that, the kingdom has suffered a series of natural disasters, especially torrential rain and flooding, that destroyed much of the grain harvest in farming provinces such as Huainan. Many farmers were forced to leave their lands and become refugees. Because of their dire straits, and out of anger towards the idea of a female Emperor, a rebel army formed. They were even able to secure a walled city as their base of operations.

"The Emperor gathered her closest ministers for guidance, and they determined that it was not feasible to settle this matter militarily—for several reasons, but primarily the expense. Their suggestion was for the Emperor to issue an 'edict of self-blame,' essentially an imperial decree acknowledging the hardships that had befallen the rebels, and taking responsibility. This edict would state that the rebellion was the fault of the Emperor, for mishandling matters, and not the fault of the people. It would also offer the rebels amnesty, promising that if they gave up the rebellion and returned to their homes, their crimes would be pardoned, and the matter not investigated further. This would keep them from continuing to rebel solely out of fear of being prosecuted for treason. What do you think of this plan? Can you see any flaws?"

[summerdude]

This is a big question for a little guy. Magnus tries to think of things that would be of concern to the living, and to people who would struggle with potentially difficult terrain instead of calling a magical eight-legged horse to carry them up and down cliff faces.

"A couple," he says, after a few long moments. "Did the torrential rains and flooding also destroy infrastructure and buildings? By which I mean, did they have homes to return to and roads to travel there on? And did the Emperor secure a source of food to feed them all?" He thinks for another moment, scooping some hummus into his mouth while he thinks. "Would a male Emperor issue an edict of self-blame? So like, would doing this make the people more or less inclined to respect a female one?"

[agula]

Qi Yan is utterly delighted. To think about this issue, not only strategically, but from the perspective of a woman, is something not many men would do. "That is exactly why I advised the Emperor against this plan. Male Emperors have issued edicts of self-blame in the past, but for a man, this conveys an admirable sense of humility. The people's hearts would soften towards him. But for the first ever female Emperor, it would be accepting that having a woman as an emperor is a shameful, humiliating thing, and that she is not competent to rule the kingdom. This edict of self-blame would likely embolden the rebels. So a different plan was arranged." It was Qi Yan's plan, but she's aware that some might find it dishonorable and underhanded, and she doesn't want Magnus to think poorly of her.

"We had three aims. First, to destroy the rebel army, using as few soldiers as possible. Second, to help the rebels return to society. And third, to re-assert the power of the Wei kingdom, and deter them from rebelling again.

"To address the first aim, men were sent to the mountains of Huainan on a dry night with good wind. At a time previously agreed on, they set several simultaneous fires, which spread quickly. At the same time, a small group of soldiers infiltrated the city and carried out an operation to behead the leaders of the army. And a third group of soldiers disguised themselves as members of the rebel army, seeking help after being burned by the fire. This group was tasked with spreading rumors that the fires sprung from nowhere as divine punishment—a sign of Heaven's wrath. What do you think was the result of all this?"

[summerdude]

"Internal collapse?" Magnus guesses. Psychological warfare isn't a strong suit of Valhalla -- which is perhaps why Loki regularly has minor triumphs that Magnus has to circumvent. "Were there enough rebels that your guys weren't recognized as outsiders?"

[agula]

She nods. "It worked. The rebel soldiers—really just farmers—were spooked by the 'evidence' that the heavens supported the female Emperor, and at the same time, they lost their leadership." A large part of this success was that no one would suspect someone of falsifying a sign from the heavens, because doing so would be inviting divine wrath onto oneself. That is why only Qi Yan, who has no attachment to the religion of the Wei people, could think of it. "They were adrift and uneasy, and looking for a way to back out without punishment. That is when we offered amnesty. Her Majesty wrote a letter granting a full pardon to the bearer, with her seal, and we distributed hundreds of copies throughout the city. That takes care of the second aim, to return the rebels smoothly to society. And as for the third aim—to reassert authority—the amnesty had a time limit. If the rebels took the letter and returned home, their crimes were pardoned, but if any still remained after one month, the Emperor would send a huge army to crush them and punish their families. Of course, we never had the resources to send the army." She smiles, and goes in for another bite of falafel with tahini.

"There was just one other part to this plan, which I implemented without consulting with the Emperor. I gave orders that anyone carrying the amnesty letter was entitled to a nourishing meal of pork, mantous and vegetable soup. Over the meal, I spoke with them to determine the true cause of the rebellion. The flooding was bad, but the kingdom went to great lengths to send money for disaster relief—that is exactly why we couldn't finance a war. It turned out that the officials distributing the disaster relief were corrupt. They made the rationed porridge too thin, more water than grain, and the rice that was distributed directly to the families was mixed thoroughly with sand. We punished these officials harshly, distributed more relief funds, and hired the reformed rebels to rebuild the homes lost in the floods.

"So, that is how we took back a walled city, without throwing away resources on a prolonged siege." She pauses, suddenly aware that she has been lecturing excessively. This is something Nangong Jingnu would make fun of, if she were here; Qi Yan's heart aches fiercely. "Does that help?"

[summerdude]

"I really appreciate the lesson," Magnus says, thoughtfully. He gets up and goes to the fridge, pulling out a few bottles of root beer. "I like learning, as it turns out? And I bet even Loki would have trouble circumventing the clever way you accomplished your goals. But I'm afraid that Ragnarok won't benefit from that kind of, um, maneuvering." He thinks about this for a moment. "Perhaps it doesn't need to. I think maybe learning as much as I can about as many things as I can is help enough. It's fun, after all, and enriching maybe? And if all my afterlife is spent preparing for the end of it, then literally what's the point of anything? Do you want to try root beer? It's a soft drink of my people. It doesn't really go with falafel, but it reminds me of home, too."

[agula]

Qi Yan can appreciate the significance of food from one's home. "I'd love to try it." She reaches for one of the bottles.

"These lessons can be applied outside of warfare. Most importantly, if you wish to change someone's behavior, it helps to find out what they want and give it to them, while at the same time making the path you don't want them to follow as undesirable as possible." She is self-conscious, again, about being too didactic. "It's good that you like learning. I enjoyed hearing your thoughts. You have very good insight." She wishes he didn't have to think about combat at all; she thinks of Jinwushu, raised to fight a war Qi Yan would like to end.

[summerdude]

Magnus scrubs a hand through his hair, awkwardly. "Thanks," he says, suddenly bashful. Qi Yan is so cool? And thinks he has good insight? "If I'm lucky, I've got at least another couple thousand years in me. It's good I don't have to spend them unlearning bad insights."

[agula]

Qi Yan contemplates this. "Have you considered writing a pamphlet on your situation for the welcome table? It seems complex." She learned a lot from the literature on cultivation and spores.