YOU Get A Big Banana, and YOU Get A Big Banana, and YOU Get A Big Banana! [closed post]

[summerdude]

"Okay, just another minute," Magnus says.

It's a hot day out, so holding Galahad's hand is a sweaty affair... and Magnus's current use of his alf seidr isn't making matters any more comfortable. The grass is tickling at Magnus's back -- his shirt has ridden up while he lies, spread-eagle, in the middle of the lawn. Galahad is always so smart about his clothes, Magnus bets he's not getting the grass itches at all.

But he can put all that aside. Grass tickles are good tickles, and the heat of the sun is -- to Magnus -- always more refreshing than it is annoying. There's a trickle of sweat at the side of his neck, but even though it's hot out it's not really a temperature extreme, so as usual he feels regular about it.

All his attention is on the plants around them. Feverfew and milkweed, black-eyed susan and queen anne's lace, aster and boneset and flowering spurge and yarrow and tickseed and teasel and wild thyme and forget-me-nots and poppies and and and -- well. He's not sure what else is in the mix. He's been trying to get better at plant identification with Claudius's guidance, but the package he found earlier that morning only said FIELD SEEDS. He's doing his best! Right now, his 'best' is less focused on identification and more focused on growing them to flower, high enough that some of them are providing shade to both him and Galahad, in a very neat outline of the grass they've politely crushed between the two of them.

Eventually, he's done all he can without overtaxing the plants. "There," he tells Galahad. "Summer snow angels, check."

Comments

[summerdude]

"Did I?" Magnus doesn't have the clearest memory of that entire day. "I didn't — if I said that, and I believe you that I did, I wasn't trying to, like, pull anything. I wouldn't do that. I would have been asking for real."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Before that you were always honest. You always say what you're thinking. It makes you easy for me to understand. On the day Claudius says we were compelled to be truthful you and I didn't notice anything was different because we always speak truthfully to each other." It's why Magnus was so easy to be friends with, why Galahad was drawn to him so immediately. There's no need to wonder whether he is holding something back or dissembling. It's why Galahad has been nursing this anxiety quietly inside him since that day.

[summerdude]

It's safe to say that Magnus is hopelessly confused, and also horrified that Galahad has been holding onto this for so long. "Galahad, I — asking that wouldn't have been a lie. I don't... like yeah, I guess I talk a lot here but I don't really think of myself as, like, particularly a talker."

[onthewillowsthere]

The conviction with which Magnus argues this point is enough to make Galahad doubt himself again. But that's exactly why this has unsettled him so much. He wants to believe everything Magnus says; he wants to believe that the secrets Magnus was keeping for so long haven't changed anything between them. But something has been different. He's not wrong to think that.

He waits.

[summerdude]

"I was--" Magnus can't help but fidget, but he also hates sitting back from Galahad and facing him during this -- whatever this is, so he scoots in close again, side-by-side now, and takes his hand. "I don't remember a lot about that day. I remember being overwhelmed and having a panic attack and an intense conversation where I promised to tell you my secret after I talked to Alex. No real details. But, like, I did, right? I'm sorry it took so long. Is that the matter? Is it that I didn't mention it at first?"

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad hesitates, running his thumb over the back of Magnus' knuckles, gathering his words. It's harder than talking to Claudius, because as different as he and Claudius are, they are so alike, and Claudius so often understands what he means as soon as he puts it into words, as if he's only waiting to hear it spoken aloud to snap his fingers and say, "Of course."

"I was alone in Camelot except for Percival. I couldn't make friends. Because when most people speak, they mean things besides the words. Things they are saying with their voices, or their bodies. It's hard for me to understand that kind of language," he says finally. Magnus knows this, but it must matter for him to say it again, clearly and plainly. "But you mean what you say. From the beginning. Sometimes you're very rude. And you have no respect for the things that are unspoken. I like it."

[summerdude]

Magnus listens carefully, turning Galahad's words over in his mind, trying to understand what exactly it is that has bothered Galahad for so long, so that he can never do it again. "No respect for things that are unspoken?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"When people say one thing and mean another."

[summerdude]

"Oh. Yeah, that. That's really annoying. Way better to take things at face value and try to be, like, understanding and understandable." Magnus is quiet for a little while. "But I made you feel like I was... what, moving in that direction?"

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad nods.

[summerdude]

Magnus tugs him in for a side hug. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm really, really sorry. I, um. Was the lie you're talking about me not telling you about training with Lancelot forever?"

[onthewillowsthere]

"No." I just told you. "You said you were okay and weren't." Perhaps Magnus doesn't think it's important; perhaps Galahad is supposed to pretend it doesn't matter. But it does matter. He doesn't mind that Magnus kept a secret. Everyone has secrets. He hates that he asked a question outright and Magnus evaded and deflected; he hates the way it made him feel as if he were back in Camelot, faced with strangers who spoke a language of meaningful looks and questions turned back on him. He hates that he still can't explain it in a way Magnus understands.

[summerdude]

Oh. Oh. Magnus closes his eyes and tries to dredge up any specifics of the conversation. All he can get are trying to shell chickpeas, having a panic attack, and Galahad leading him outside to calm down. They talked about -- well, very nearly fought about -- Luo Binghe, he remembers that much. "I wish I could remember that day better," he says, frustrated. "Then I could know for sure why I did that."

[onthewillowsthere]

"You were trying to take everything on. You were overwhelmed."

[summerdude]

"Then... if I said I was okay, I was probably lying to me, not to you." Magnus sighs and lets the gentle rocking of the boat knock him an inch or two closer to Galahad. "I know that doesn't make it, like, better. In effect. But."

[onthewillowsthere]

Galahad thinks of Lan Wangji saying it can be more difficult when someone is lying to himself. Magnus does not always know his own feelings. If Magnus was lying to both of them, then perhaps there was no other possible outcome besides the one that happened in the kitchen. But that doesn't make him feel less anxious about it happening again.

[summerdude]

"Like," Magnus tries to explain, "a wishful thinking kind of thing, maybe."

[onthewillowsthere]

"You wanted to be okay."

[summerdude]

"Yeah. I did."

[onthewillowsthere]

"Do you think--" Galahad is quiet again, sorting through words as if they were grains of wheat. "Next time, would you talk to me? About how you're feeling? Instead of trying to make things better just by wanting."

[summerdude]

"Yes," says Magnus, immediately. "I promise." He offers Galahad a shaky, sheepish smile. "After all, I'm Asking My People For Help Guy now."

[onthewillowsthere]

He's still holding Magnus' hand, and he rubs the slightly ribbed surface of Magnus' nails, which have dirt beneath them. "I want to help. And I want you to be honest with me. It's all right if we are sometimes angry with each other. Claudius and I have made each other angry sometimes. But it's good. I understand him better afterward. I want to always understand you, even if it's just because you told me."

[summerdude]

"Okay," Magnus says, leaning his head against Galahad's shoulder. "You need to tell me when stuff is bothering you too, though, okay? I hate that you've been sitting with this for so long."

[onthewillowsthere]

"I will. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

[summerdude]

Magnus nods. "Why didn't you?"