If Alex Came Back We'd DEFINITELY Be The Local Power Couple [open post]

[summerdude]

Magnus has come to realize that nobody else in this entire place is presently in a relationship that has lasted nearly as long as his and Alex's. Shen Yuan's concept of "communication" "with" "Luo Binghe" is continuing to horrify him every time he thinks about it. What if there are other people who could use the advice of a sixteen-year-old twenty-five-year-old virgin who has been in a committed relationship for nearly seven years with someone to who he is probably widely known to have never verbally declared the undying depths of his love? (Gods, he hopes Alex figures out a way to do another little visit for their rapidly-approaching anniversary)

To that end, he posts an announcement sign over the welcome table, in the café, and on the door to the kitchen. It reads:

NEED RELATIONSHIP ADVICE OR FEEDBACK? Local Long-Term Relationship Expert Magnus Chase Offers His Aid.

He even lists office hours — an inoffensive parlor (meaning he can tolerate hanging out in it, and the door can close if people want privacy for their conversations) every other day for an hour, immediately following his Drosera hand-off to Galahad.

Comments

[summerdude]

"Holy crap, Jarritos," Magnus says, immediately leaning forward to grab a bottle of guava and then grinning up at Claudius. "I'm good, dude. How are you? How's the--" he lowers his voice to a stage whisper for the next two words. "Bamboo propagation coming along?" He's been increasingly eager to start growing Lan Wangji his little grove since he delivered his successful attempt to get old bamboo to sprout again to Claudius and Galahad's room.

[wickedwit]

"Oh, magnificently," Claudius says with smiling pride, plucking up a bottle of bright mango and taking a seat on the corner of the table. "Bamboo propagates with remarkable speed, compared to the slower-growing magnolia. I've sections of your sample sprouting roots already, and if they continue to grow, I may section off more. It's quite the elegantly constructed plant, when you look at it. Each stalk is a climbing series of nodes and internodes, and each nodal joint is a site of potential growth. Wherever did you find it?"

[summerdude]

"Oh, I finally found an old stick with enough juice I could still wake it up," Magnus says. He had ransacked several sub-basement rooms for it. They're probably still a mess. Whatever, he'll dig his way back down there to clean them up again during the next blizzard. He twists the cap off his soda and holds the bottle up so Claudius can clink his against it, a little toast to their mutual dedication to Lan Wangji's happiness.

[wickedwit]

Oh, that's a satisfying clink. "Well-done. By the time spring comes around, we'll be able to fill a garden with it. It may end up filling my workshop in the meantime."

[summerdude]

Magnus laughs. "I heard that in some parts of Asia, sometimes bamboo grows fast and strong enough that it can grow right through your floor. Like, unexpectedly."

[wickedwit]

"Now that would be incredible to see. But no," Claudius says, apparently resolving a debate he just had in his head about growing bamboo deliberately to crack through the floors of his workshop, "I can always experiment more with future propagations. Lan Wangji's grove takes priority. Do you have any ideas about where you'll want to plant it?"

[summerdude]

Actually, Magnus is a little embarrassed to admit that he doesn't know a huge amount about Lan Wangji's personal life. "Do you know if there's any part of the woods he likes to hang out in particularly?"

[wickedwit]

"I might," Claudius says, which honestly surprises him. "There's a part of the woods he flew me out to on Bichen."

[summerdude]

"So maybe there?" Magnus purses his lips. "Or would that make it easier for him to figure out we're doing this?"

[wickedwit]

“I don’t think he’ll have much reason to return there now. He’s cleared most of the trees.” Should Claudius explain why he and Lan Wangji were practicing a little amateur forestry in the middle of the woods? No, absolutely not. “But I think it would charm him, to revisit the place and find it transformed.”

[summerdude]

"Cool," says Magnus, and takes a delicious swig of his soda to seal the deal. "What's new with you, man? Get into any new exciting PDA in front of unsuspecting party-throwers lately?"

[wickedwit]

"And here I thought you'd been entirely suspecting," Claudius says cheerfully. He savors some of the mango flavor, which is shockingly sweet, but pleasant. "Consider it a further lesson in dressing to effect -- the effect such schemes procure. I do appreciate your advice in doting over Drosera, and I may have a gift or two to present Her Highness in the future. I'm enjoying having projects to work on. My longest-running goal has been reached¹, and my most recent is ..." He sighs. "Less than enjoyable. I wanted to talk to you about that, actually. Galahad inspired me to make peace with his father, and ... yes, I'm realizing now making peace with fathers isn't your particular area of expertise, but you did call yourself a long-term relationship expert."

¹ That long-term goal is 'Aziraphale and Crowley kissing on the face,' which has been his goal since his first week in DF when he met Crowley. All his pre-DF goals are on permanent hiatus, but he did get the brother-murdering done and say 'I love you' to Gertrude.

[summerdude]

"Yeah, he told me that things were cool between him and that asshole," Magnus says, nodding solemnly. "I said that didn't stop Lancelot's insane cop energy. You actually specifically made peace with him?"

[wickedwit]

"We shared a toast at Wanderers Gatherer. In Denmark, that's practically signing a treaty," Claudius says with a sigh. "The formalities were, of course, perfect. But I also feel like Lancelot has insane cop energy. And, as I told you, my brother had insane cop energy." Claudius truly does appreciate how frankly these terms let him express the problem. "I have trouble trusting men with cop energy. Does that make sense?"

[summerdude]

"Oh, totally. All cops are bastards," Magnus says. "Every last one. And so if someone has cop energy they're probably either a bastard already or about to have their final bastard evolution, unless your cop-dar is totally off. But mine isn't. Mine is finely honed. I can smell a cop from a mile away, basically, even if they're plainclothes." He tilts his head. "Lancelot reminds me of some real bad hombres, and he reminds you of your brother, so he's, like. Super unpleasant to be around, with or without definitive bastardry. Right?"

[wickedwit]

"Exactly right," Claudius says, snapping his fingers. "You understand my feelings in this. Of course you do -- you have since the start of these hostilities. Which," he sighs, "were disappointing, regardless. I gave Lancelot the cut direct all night at the dance, and he did not notice even once. I don't think cops have the requisite class and discernment for that."

[summerdude]

"Okay," Magnus admits, "I don't think I know what the cut direct is. What's the cut direct?"

[wickedwit]

"Well, first you have to understand that I was hobbled, socially speaking¹. I couldn't disinvite him altogether because he was friends with both the grooms, and denying them would appear ungracious. A social cut is most effective when it's a tool to excise those who have done something you've deemed socially unacceptable, which would be -- as you know -- his treatment of Galahad. But for it to be truly effective in this situation, he would've had to do his duty as a guest and attempt to greet me as the host. I would then give him the cut direct, by looking directly at him without acknowledging him. It would communicate that while I could not disinvite him, I do not welcome him, do not condone his conduct or consider him fit for civil discourse. Well-employed, the cut direct's absolutely devastating. If the queen were to give the court direct to a courtier, for instance, it would be social death. A queen like Gertrude had to entertain many men with brusque manners in her court because of her husband's warmongering company, but if one approached her and she gave him the cut direct, it would be clear to him -- and to all watching -- that the queen had not accepted him into her society." And it made a young Claudius's heart catch with admiration, when he watched her do it. "Unfortunately, Lancelot had no sense of his duties as a guest, and I don't think it even occurred to him to thank me for hosting. He might not have known -- he's that oblivious. So I made some show of moving to greet him, before giving him the cut indirect. Indirect is when you simply pretend not to see someone, but in such an obvious way that it's clear you're snubbing them. Utterly wasted. The most obvious of cuts could not be obvious enough for him."

¹ Does he? Well, Claudius thinks it's important context.

[summerdude]

"...Whoa," Magnus says, after a moment. "I feel like I should be taking notes, actually! Dude, this is why we gotta pick up diplomacy lessons again. That's so high-level. I bet Sif would know about the cut direct." Sif is the coolest and most elevated of the gods, obviously. "But Thor, who has big Lancelot vibes, absolutely wouldn't. Even though they're married." He sighs. "I've just been over here calling him an asshole to his face every time I see him and flipping him off instead of, like, waving hello or goodbye or whatever."

A pause, while he takes a big sip of his soda. Then, thoughtfully, he says, "I've also been explaining to him why he sucks and giving him tips for sucking less, but honestly I've been falling short on that front and mostly just telling him books he should read to become less sexist. And that's more because I drink my respect women juice every day than something specific to him." Wait -- does Claudius know about sexism and respect women juice? Magnus decides he doesn't want to know if he doesn't, so he goes right ahead and explains: "This is because I'm a feminist and anti-sexist and an ally to women, which means that if some guy is sexist in front of me I gotta step in so that women don't have to shoulder the burden of educating odious jerks like him themselves all the time."

[wickedwit]

Claudius reflects on the conversation he had with Mothwing, the medicine cat, about human monarchy, and on how useful it would've been to explain you see, Mothwing, twoleg society can be very sexist. Even Rousseau didn't touch on the sexism inherent to primogeniture, which seems like a failure on Rosseau's part¹. It's a failure Claudius can admit he'd shared, with all his schemes to grant Gertrude the sovereignty she deserved returning to sexist assumptions and strictures he took as a matter of course.

"You are an absolute fount of resources," declares Claudius, meaning it. "If Lancelot hasn't picked up one of these feminist texts, that's utterly wasted on him, too. Hold on -- you say you flipped him off? What does that mean, socially speaking?"

¹ This is, unfortunately, because Rousseau was sexist. Sorry, Enjolras, you have to side-eye your philosophical heroes sometimes.

[summerdude]

"It means I'm saying 'fuck you,'" Magnus says, promptly, and demonstrates the sign for Claudius.

[wickedwit]

Claudius copies it as he would any other sign Magnus teaches him, and finds it pleasing and simple to make. He can easily imagine deploying it in a scrimmage of wits with someone whose society he rejects. "Now this is an elegant masterstroke," he says. "You may not know about the cut direct, but you've customs every bit as eloquent for expressing disapproval. And just telling him he's an asshole -- I wish I could've seen it, frankly."

[summerdude]

"You probably still could," Magnus says, thoughtfully. "I'm not going to, like, put legos in his shoes or whatever, since Galahad wouldn't want that, but I'm pretty sure I can get away with still calling him 'asshole' all the time because at this point I think he thinks I think it's his name. So stopping would probably be worse than keeping it up."

[wickedwit]

"You make an excellent point. Really, it's upon him to correct you, or accept the title as given. If he's too prideful to do so, continual greetings of 'asshole' are the well-earned wages of pride." But Claudius did deliberately seek out Laertes's perspective for help reinterpreting the man's actions. Drolly, he wonders whether this is how Sagramore would train a soft dog that bristles at men who remind it of its former master -- by gradually introducing it, letting it perceive differences -- or whether he'd have something better. "He may be too shy to do so. That's what Laertes insists, at least -- that Lancelot isn't a proud man, but a shy one, uncertain of his place among men. Rather like Galahad himself." Which is irritating, given Claudius's soft spot for Galahad and shy men. He takes a long, considering drink of Jarritos, which might be improved through vodka.

"Sagramore," he continues, "described Lancelot as an arrogant and charmless man -- presumptuous and careless -- prone to wearing other men's devices in combat to improve their reputation. Cop energy, in its quintessence. Lancelot was also the best friend of the king, entangled with the king's wife, which no doubt protected him from some consequences while making him warier of others. If it were some landless, lonely stranger that Lancelot mistook for a portent, perhaps there'd be no consequences for him. But if he were a visitor in another kingdom, and struck a man of good standing there, one with a devoted lover, a loyal friend? Feuds have been started for less. I can imagine Lancelot going through life the shy, oblivious favorite of the king, unaware of who he might be insulting when wearing other knights' devices. I can imagine he made his share of enemies, started his share of feuds, and had no notion why. It nearly makes me feel sorry for him."

[summerdude]

Magnus glances up at Claudius. He doesn't like sharing other people's business, especially when he learns it through magical means, but -- "You know how I see memories when I heal people?"