Perhaps Instead Of A Homeless Teen I Shoulda Been A 19th Century Newsboy, Given All These Headlines

[summerdude]

It's been a big few days in general, and this day, specifically, has also been pretty big, and so Magnus does the number two thing that reliably lets him reach a place where he feels more grounded: he goes to Hanguang-jun's parlor at a time when Hanguang-jun is also there playing music. (Number one, of course, is burying his face against Alex's belly and groaning. Number three, embarrassingly, is still finding a summery spot outside and praying to his dad.)

This time, he has a stack of comic books to go through -- he wants to start making tailored recommendation lists, for Tally and Lancelot (who he's made general recommendations to), but also for Galahad and Sagramore and Sunny and Hanguang-jun and Gideon and Shen Yuan and Gu Xiang and Tress and Nina. So he lays on the ground for a while, paging through issues while Hanguang-jun quietly picks out a tune on his qin and Danding nibbles his hair.

But after about half an hour, he's still got excitement and overstimulation brimming through his veins, so he sets Sensational She-Hulk #39 to one side (it's definitely going on Lancelot's list, probably also Tally's, possibly also Gideon's), twists his head, and waits for a lull in the music. When it comes, he says, "Hanguang-jun? I have... stuff. Not crisisy stuff. Mostly good stuff, and also... some questionsy stuff."

Comments

[summerdude]

"But," Magnus frowns. He wants to ask what if he's wrong about himself, but that feels... stupid. He falls silent.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji frowns back down at him, although of course the expression is more muted on his face. "But?"

[summerdude]

"But nothing, Hanguang-jun."

[lightbearinglord]

"You are allowed to speak your mind with me."

[summerdude]

"No, I know. I'm just... confused, I guess."

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji cups the side of Magnus' head for a moment, studying his face. "How can I help?"

[summerdude]

Danding's hair-nibbling is starting to tickle, and Magnus shifts. "I don't know," he confesses, quietly.

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji, watching Magnus, plucks the rabbit in question neatly up with both hands and sets him aside. This is offensive enough that Danding wanders off in search of something else to inappropriately chew. "All right," he says, just as quiet.

[summerdude]

"I guess... I mean, Galahad is training so he can protect Claudius, even though he... well. And Claudius sounded really hopeful when he asked if I'd talked to Luo Binghe about all the fucked-up stuff he did, and so I guess I thought... like, this could be a way to kill two birds with one stone."

[lightbearinglord]

"An apology would still mean something to Claudius. But I cannot imagine that it is forthcoming." Lan Wangji watches as Danding irritates Xiaoxue out of his nap. "Galahad and I both know that if it came to a fight, Luo Binghe could and very well might kill either one of us. And he told me that he refrains from fighting me only because it might be upsetting to others here."

[summerdude]

Magnus opens his mouth to... he doesn't know what. Argue, or protest, or suggest surely that's just bluster, sometimes it seems like he's just really insecure and can be, maybe, encouraged into a better direction.

But then he remembers his conversation with Luo Binghe about the future of their potential friendship. How Luo Binghe was so pleased that Magnus said he couldn't commit to forever, because 'you cannot know whether I will continue on this path, or someday change my mind and hurt one of your friends again. And I cannot promise never to do so, because I must do what benefits me, and we cannot know how circumstances will change.'

He'd ignored that at the time. His focus had been on Shen Yuan, and getting Claudius safe access to the plant bodies, and his own fears about the mortality of all of his friends and loved ones here, and on the fact that Luo Binghe had been talking about wanting to be less manipulative and deceitful but that it was difficult based on his history. Magnus really, truly believed that he was committed to finding a new way of doing things. He'd meant it when he told Luo Binghe to just think of it as a 'continuance' instead of a total shift. But if Luo Binghe hadn't truly changed before that, then it wouldn't be a continuance, would it?

Magnus can't bring himself to believe that it is too hard for Luo Binghe to change, because he has seen a difference, on an individual level. But the idea that Luo Binghe is staying his hand only for the favor of other people (what other people?), not because he thinks it's wrong... and what would be the benefit of hurting someone, in Luo Binghe's mind? He'd promised Magnus not to attack Claudius or Galahad unless he or Shen Yuan were attacked first, but he never did answer Magnus's question about what an attack means.

Magnus loves Claudius and Galahad and Hanguang-jun. He's never been Extraverted Guy or BFFs With Everyone He Knows Guy, like, ever in his life, but he likes almost everyone here. It's important to him that his community flourishes. It is, as always, even more important to him that his people -- the ones he's closest to -- are okay. And, running over what Hanguang-jun has told him and what he, himself, has heard from Luo Binghe, it seems that Luo Binghe isn't willing to promise to stop being a potential threat. On one level, he thinks maybe he should talk to Luo Binghe again. After Aornis's death, maybe his attitudes will have shifted more? Maybe he'll be truly committed to not just, like, attacking people? On another level... can Magnus trust him if he says he has new perspective, especially given how off it seems Magnus has been in his conclusions before?

He lets out another weighty exhale. "I hate this."

[lightbearinglord]

With Danding out of the way, Lan Wangji smooths Magnus' hair anew, setting it to rights after it has been used as a rabbit chew toy for such an extended period. He doesn't like to think that there are truly irredeemable men in the world. He is not certain he does think that, even after all that he has seen. But he does think that there are men whose cruelty forces choices, and whose childish hunger to hold onto power cannot be indulged.

"It is not easy," he agrees. "It was not easy for Sagramore, either. But he knew that it was not worth letting Claudius continue to feel the pain of knowing that someone he loved did not see the suffering he endured as worthy of taking a stand."

[summerdude]

"I guess..." Magnus turns some thoughts over in his mind, slowly, like he's inverting smooth river-stones and trying to catch the critters that scurry away in the churned-up muck underneath. "I guess where I'm stuck is, we're all stuck here, right? Especially him, since he's, like, borderline immortal or whatever. And what happened to -- what Luo Binghe did to Claudius is unacceptable, and I guess I think that maybe if Luo Binghe, like, realizes the magnitude, and is given the opportunity to, like, atone and be part of the community, then he'll have apologized and he won't do it to anyone else ever again."

[lightbearinglord]

"I want him to hurt no one ever again. But I don't see a path to trusting that he will not." Lan Wangji thinks again of Claudius' face that day in the library. All of that as repayment for a kiss gone awry and a handful of well-chosen words of unkindness. "Luo Binghe is accustomed to ruling an empire, and he chose to torture and threaten a man much weaker and more vulnerable than him solely because he was insulted. If he sees the magnitude of an insult as equal to the magnitude of unbearable, inescapable pain, then he is not going to find that path within my lifetime. Certainly not within Claudius'."

[summerdude]

"So," Magnus says, tilting his head back so he can get a better view of Hanguang-jun's face again. Something about the way Hanguang-jun has phrased this is tickling at his mind, like there's a connection waiting to be made. "You're saying that pushing for overall safety isn't the right kind of stand to take?"

[lightbearinglord]

"I am saying that relying on Luo Binghe to provide that safety is not the right kind of stand to take. He is volatile and mercurial. If safety no longer suits him, its beneficiaries will become vulnerable again." He does glance back down at Magnus, catching the searching nature of his expression. "We will have safety that does not rely on placating a cruel man thanks to Claudius."

[summerdude]

"And I'm guessing the fact that Luo Binghe told me about the, um, protective nature of the plant isn't good-faith enough," Magnus says, thinking again of Luo Binghe's refusal to promise to not attack anyone else even after he shared knowledge of that particular use.

[lightbearinglord]

"I imagine Luo Binghe did not offer to take back his continued threats toward Claudius." Lan Wangji does pause, though, weighing it. Does he consider the offer of that information a gesture of good faith? It is hard to conceive of it as such; uncharitably, he can only presume that Luo Binghe did it because he is weary of the persistent mild social consequences of what he did. But he can hardly be certain of that or advise Magnus as if it is undeniably true. Luo Binghe is always caustic and unpleasant with him, calling him arrogant and pampered, as if they have wronged one another equally when Luo Binghe harmed his closest friend in a way that will follow him forever and Lan Wangji did no worse than disliking him and spilling his sugar. Perhaps he is kinder with others, as difficult as it is to picture that, but the duplicity in that does not speak particularly well of him, either. "It is not enough for me, and I suspect it is not enough for Claudius. If it is enough for you, that is your decision, but Claudius will be hurt by that decision."

[summerdude]

"I don't want to hurt Claudius," Magnus says, immediately. "He shouldn't be hurt anymore. Or in the first place. You know what I mean." He's quiet for a long moment, still turning over his thoughts.

He wants to believe that Luo Binghe can do better -- can be better. Even if Luo Binghe hasn't been trying friendship stuff with everyone, maybe Magnus is, like, a guinea pig or something, and he'll start.

But one thing is undeniably, inescapably true, and that's: "It doesn't count," he says, with a heavy sort of finality. "Without an actual apology, it doesn't count as restitution."

[lightbearinglord]

"No," Lan Wangji says, almost gentle with it. There are two phrases that must be said in one's life: thank you and I'm sorry. He can imagine Luo Binghe saying neither. "As I said. It is not enough."

[summerdude]

Magnus scrubs a hand over his face. "I still hate it," he tells Hanguang-jun.

[lightbearinglord]

"I know." Lan Wangji catches his hand for a moment and squeezes it before letting go of it again.

[summerdude]

"I guess it's, like, moot anyway," Magnus says. "I promised Galahad I wouldn't mention Claudius to him. I just... I guess I've been really worried about screwing it all up."

[lightbearinglord]

Magnus does tend to worry; Lan Wangji knows that already. "I know," he repeats, gentle again. "You want everything to be well."

[summerdude]

"No," Magnus says. "I mean yeah, I do, but it's that I don't know the balance here. Between, like, preventing future harm but also not exacerbating past harm."